Saturday, November 17, 2012

Weight a Minute!

As some of you may know I finished school in May and have been looking for actual employment with an income since then. I have had no luck thus far in finding a job so my life has become somewhat sedentary. It took me a while to realize it, but it's frighteningly true.

As a result, I have gained about 20 pounds since I've graduated and I'm not happy with it. At almost five foot four inches, an extra 20 pounds is A LOT. Fitting into my clothes is not possible at this weight and I feel quite unhealthy. The treadmill is one of the most boring activities to me because I go nowhere and I've tried listening to music and watching tv while going nowhere but I just can't do it. Lifting, aerobics, yoga, and all of those other fun things people enjoy is just not fun for me. It's work, and I'm not one to force myself to do things I don't like or enjoy.

So one day I was watching you tube because my husband sent me a link to watch something and I stumbled upon weighted hula hoops. Just then I remembered that I used to be a fantastic hula hooper. So I set out to find a hoop for myself (but not a weighted one) and brush up on my skills. And even though my initial thought was not to do it to lose weight but because it's fun and it takes my mind off of everything, I realized that losing some weight could be an added benefit and at the least it will get me moving again.

Once I become reacquainted with my hoop maybe I'll post a video. I plan on learning some new skills too so it may take me a while. Not to mention the fact that not only do I have an extra 20 pounds on me, but I am terribly out of shape.

I'll keep you updated on my progress.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

One More Time


I think I'm ready to try again.

It has been hard to post because so much has gone on since my original blog was "taken." Long story and not very interesting but it was the final blow for me. I was losing faith in myself and my writing and when I logged into my blog one day it wasn't there. And to no avail, I tried to get answers as to what happened but I received no response. Anyway, here I am and trying again.

This will be much easier knowing I have only one follower so far. (Love you Mel).

After I lost faith in myself I decided to go back to school because I didn't think anything would come of my writing after doing so much with it for two years. I went back and earned my AAS in Paralegal Studies. One of my many passions is law. I have no desire what so ever to be a lawyer, I want to be the person behind the scenes doing the actual research, investigating, interviewing and work. I have no desire to stand up in a court room and plead my case.

Needless to say, I graduated in May of 2012 at the age of 39 and I have been looking for a job since, with no response. This could be because the only area of law that I really want to work in is criminal defense and they are the lowest paid attorneys on the planet and many can't afford a paralegal, so not many hire paralegals, but I am no longer willing to do jobs that I don't like just to receive a paycheck.

But because of this, it has been a major blow to my self confidence. And all I really want to do is write. It always seems to come back to that. Unfortunately I have no faith in my writing.

None the less I have decided to give it another go.

I have become completely withdrawn and isolated and this my attempt to bring myself out of it before I go completely insane. I will fill you in daily to bring us up to date as to my trials and tribulations in the last couple of years.  Hopefully this can clear my head so I can get back to my book and doing what I love.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Oh How I've Missed You


I have missed my space in the cyber world and I'm so glad to be back, but it looks like I'll have to start all over and find my friends and followers from my other blog. It's a long story, but in short, my domain was stolen. I have no idea how, but I went to my blog one day and it told me that my domain had expired, (but it really didn't). I found the culprit, but there was nothing I could do. Or I didn't want to go through all the necessary hoops to get it back. So here I am. The blog looks the same and I was able to save all of my old posts. The domain is different by a letter, which I'm not too happy about, but oh well.

I have so much to tell you guys about my journey in the past year and a half. But I'll get to that later. For now, I have to go build my following once again.

~Live Happy

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Manual Transmission


I was driving my car the other day and had yet another revelation. I know, I have 'em all the time. But listen, I was driving and became aware of how far I've come with driving a car with a manual transmission.

When I first learned how to drive stick, I was of course nervous and uncomfortable. There were so many things I had to do. I really had to pay attention. How in the hell was I going to drive this thing AND pay attention the road?! My first time out, I freaked and got too nervous. I just didn't trust myself enough, so I bought an automatic.

Then years later, I had no choice but to drive a stick because it was the only car available for me to drive.

I wasn't used to all the coordination skill that it took. But I got in and drove.

At first, I had to constantly watch the RPM's so that I would know when to shift and when to put the clutch in. I was a mess. I have no idea how I made it through, but I did. At certain points, I almost surrendered to public transportation. But I didn't.

After a while, I was able to watch the road a bit more and the RPM gauge a bit less because I could now 'hear' when the car needed to be switched into a different gear and when I needed to downshift. It made it hard to have the music up though. I started to feel like my mother. I needed the radio down to drive the car. Hmmm. If she didn't know where she was going, she would turn the raido down and tell me to be quiet. I never understood that.

Anyway, I noticed the other day after years of driving a stick, that I can have the radio turned up AND have my eyes in the road because now I don't have to 'look' at the RPM's and I don't have to 'listen' to the RPM's, I can now just 'feel' when I need to switch gears. Yes, I have become one with the car.

I just thought it was kind of funny when I noticed how far I had come and how much I had learned to trust myself when driving a manual transmission. That at first, it was scary and uncomfortable, but with time and practice, things slowly changed and I didn't even know it. Not until, it occurred to me how at ease I am when I drive a stick shift.

I know, it may sound silly to some of you, but I could relate that experience to so many things in my life. Even in my relationships with people.

Upon meeting someone, we go by looks. Shut up! You know you do. Then after a while, we really start to listen to them as we get to know them and then we can just 'feel' them. ;) Like when something's off or out of sorts with them.

Okay, I'm going to stop while I'm ahead. This may not make any sense to some of you and for that I apologize, but ya know how I am with my revelations. I have to share them with you.

Until next time,
~Live Happy

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

It's Not A Polynomial!

I'm sorry, I can't even explain that title to you. It'll take waaay too long. But it has everything to do with my Nazi math teacher. He's ridiculous and that's all I have to say about that, before I end up having a brain aneurysm. Seriously.

Onward.

Finals are next week and I don't think I've ever had more stress in my life than I do right now. No wonder I didn't go to college. I was having way too much fun when I was younger.

I am looking so forward to my 3 week break before the summer session starts.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Okay, so I really have to stop committing to all of these blog parties. I'm just no good at long term consistency. I know, probably not a great quality, but hey! It's who I am. I guess we'll just have to deal with it.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Rip Van Winkle

What a Waste!

I'm not a sleeper. I don't take naps, I go to bed late and wake up early. I'm too afraid I'm going to miss something.

When I'm stressed, I can't sleep, when I'm angry, I can't sleep and when I'm happy, I definitely can't sleep.

I guess this is where we can also apply Road House.
"I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead." Oh how I love Sam Elliot. He's such a sexy mother f-----.

I married a sleeper. He used to take naps after he got home from work, but not anymore. The poor guy is tired all the time.

How can you sleep? There's so much to do, so much to see, so much to learn. Why sleep?

Okay, this is my short post. I'm off to school.

~Live Happy.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Quirkiness

This is one of my favorite parts of character creation. As I write about a character and throw them into a situation, their quirks start to come out.

For example, I have a character who, whenever she gets nervous or bored, she breaks the split ends off her hair. One by one she sits there and grabs a strand of hair, slides her fingers to the bottom and cracks off the end.

Another one is a character who owns every color of Sharpie marker because when her shoes scuff, this is how she polishes them. She just runs her black marker over the scuff on the black shoe and wallah, the scuff is gone. She does the same when her clothes end up discolored as a result of bleach splashes.

Eating sunflower seeds to the point of knowing where the person has been because the sunflower shells are everywhere. She puts an entire hand full into her mouth and can individually split the shell with her teeth, separate the seed from the shell and spit just those two halves out. She moves the seed to one side of her mouth and starts on the next one, and does this until they are all shelled and enjoys a mouthful of seeds.

Always having to match your underwear to your shirt.

None of the food on the plate can touch.

Spending hours getting the pith off the orange.

Having to brush your teeth before you shower.


What are some crazy and unique quirks your characters have, or maybe even yourself or someone you know?

~Live Happy

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Prologue: A-Z Challenge

This prologue has been posted before, but since we have an A-Z challenge going on and some new people might be stopping by, I figure I can fill the new people in on my WIP. It has also been edited since the last time it was posted.

This is a fictional work about a character named Shay, and I guess I should warn that the content is a bit rough.

What do I remember of being a teenager?

I remember parties and friends, sleeping in strange places, men with guns and women, dark alleys and projects, dirty, rat infested apartments, sex with men I barely knew, fighting, laughing, road trips, drug runs, smoking cigarettes, being high for days at a time, not going home, cops, drug dealers, car chases, being arrested, shooting galleries, ingesting a plethora of drugs that were foreign to me and over-dosing.

I would walk through dark alleys and jump into strangers’ cars, smiling and being secretly paranoid; paranoid that the cops weren’t far behind or possibly in the car. Who are these people? Do they have guns? Is this when I will be raped and murdered? Will they sell me to others for sex? These thoughts would cross my mind every time I met someone new, but I would be comforted by the sight of baggies, alcohol, mirrors, razor blades, pipes, cocaine and a multitude of pretty colored pills spread across the table.

I remember driving from gas station to gas station looking for the mini plastic roses in glass tubes or cigars encased in glass, not plastic. The items thrown onto the gas station counter were a bottle of rubbing alcohol, Chore and a glass encased rose. I had no idea what people saw when they looked at me; Five foot three, ninety pounds with blackened, blistered thumbs and fingertips, dried, cracked, blistered lips, dark circles outlining my eyes and skin so pale you would swear I was a ghost. I guess that’s what I was.

I was always the youngest one in the group and a lot of times the only female. I was very well taken care of, as much as you can be living this lifestyle. I was looked out for and protected. People gave me drugs. No one hit me or berated me, yet. No one made me feel like I was worthless, yet, and they didn’t judge me. Besides, in my mind I wasn’t that bad. It’s not like I was shooting dope or handing out blowjobs for a fix, and I wasn’t homeless, although that’s how I lived most of the time.

But I knew this was not the normal life of a teenager. I sometimes wondered what would become of me. Would I ever be a lawyer or an architect? Would I eventually change my mind about living this way? Was it possible for me to be a woman of respect and dignity? I would wonder these things while I was snorting lines of cocaine in an apartment that smelled of piss, cigarettes and sex, with torn mattresses on the floor, holes in the walls and crusty dishes strewn about the place. The only items in the fridge were alcohol, drugs and maybe an old crusty bottle of ketchup and some mayonnaise.

Sometimes I just wanted to erase everything and be someone else. I wanted to be the sweet, popular girl with the great stylish clothes and good grades. I wanted the teachers to like me. I wanted my family to like me. I wanted to be loved and understood, encouraged and supported. I wanted to be allowed to be on sports teams again, because I was a great athlete. But I was no longer welcome because for the first time, I was attending a school that excluded you if your conduct was off hand, regardless of grades, which were all right at the time. So I was left with no outlet and nothing to fill my free time. I could no longer hang out with the jocks because I wasn’t part of an athletic team. I wanted to be someone with a bright, successful future, but in spite of all this, I thought I was having the time of my life, with no clue that I was my own worst enemy, destroying my soul.

This is who I was. I didn’t know how to be someone else. I would sometimes wish that God would send and angel in disguise to save me. I would hear stories like that when I went to church with my grandpa, and I would wonder, where’s my angel? I must be important to God, right? He knows my heart, so I’ve been told. So where is He? I must be worth something to Him, but probably not. I wasn’t sure what I believed, but I wanted to believe in something. This can’t be all there is for me.

 
Unfotunately, my writing has been interrupted with school, but the first draft is close to finished.
 
My free time is filled with homework and studying, so it's next to impossible to clear my mind enough to work on this at the moment.
 
Hopefully I'll see you again, but until then,
 
~Live Happy

Prolugue

I have posted this before, but since we have an A-Z challenge going on and some new people might be stopping by, I figure I'll get some feedback on my prologue. I have also edited it since the last time it was posted.


Monday, April 18, 2011

O is for Oops...A-Z Challenge

Holy Crap! I completely forgot about the A-Z challenge that I signed up for months ago. I got so busy with everything that I'm lucky I remember books in the morning for school.

I almost forgot about my daughter's track meet the other day, this is how mushy my brain is right now. It's filled with facts that I'm trying to retain long enough to pass exams and then hopefully some of them stick for when I actually have to go to work in the field.

Uugh. If I've pissed anyone off that has been busting their asses participating in this challenge, please accept my sincere apologies. I'm not a slacker, just overloaded.

Ok, onward...

Is it really April? Because when I woke up this morning, there was an inch of snow on the ground and it was 30 frickin' degrees. If I didn't have to go to class this morning I would have gone back to bed.

Speaking of crappy weather, I might as well fill you in on my new plans for an adventurous future. My husband and I were talking one day about moving somewhere warmer. I've been wanting to get out of the Arctic Tundra for years now, but my husband seems to be coming around quickly these days.


We've been looking at sailboats and we've decided that we're going to buy one and live on it in the Gulf once I graduate. I figure I could work somewhere in Florida since they still have the death penalty. It was recently abolished here in Illinois and once I get to work, I want to work with a lawyer who specializes or works only with the death penalty.

The other choice is California. After all, San Quentin is right over there in the Bay. My husband would prefer to live on the Gulf, so I'm thinking a compromise is in order. We've been doing a ton of research and following some of the people who live on sailboat's. We're taking sailing lessons this summer, so we'll see how it goes.

A slight hang up I have is a major fear of sharks, but I absolutely love the ocean. I'm thinking I'll get used to it. The more I learn about it, the better I feel.

Well, short post tonight. I've been writing all day and I'm going to bed.

~Live Happy

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Life Unfocused

Hello everybody! It has been so long since I have been able to come and post. I have so much to tell you guys. It's great to see that people keep following and commenting regardless of my lapse between posts. Thank you. It keeps me here.

It's funny how focused we become when we're living life and doing new things. And then on the sidelines, things are happening that we don't even really realize.

When I sit down and actually think about all of the changes that are going on, it's baffling. Almost overwhelming. This is why I try to avoid really paying attention. I have a fear that once I realize, and pay attention to, and become grateful, of how wonderful my life really is, and when I realize how capable I am, I'm afraid it will all disappear. Just like that. In the blink of an eye. Ya know, kind of like peripheral vision. When you don't stare right at it, you can see it flitting around in the open space, but as soon as you try to look directly at it and pay attention to it, it disappears.

Now don't get me wrong, my life is not free from trials and tribulations, but when I focus on the positive and keep my eye on my goals, life is much better.

My entire life has seemed to be nothing but school for the last year. But in fact, that is not the case. This semester is coming to an end and the work that is required at the end of a semester is quite abundant, let me tell ya. When I decided to take on a new legal career, I had no idea the writing that would be involved. But it's a different kind of writing. It's very technical and people's freedom and sometimes lives ride on the way you write up a document. The way you choose to word things, the placement of words, the placement of a comma, are just a few of the details that need careful consideration. But I love, love, love it and am looking so forward to my new career.

But what I would really like to tell you about is my experience with people since I have ventured back out into the world. For almost three years I was pretty isolated here in my little writing world and with my blog pals. But I needed that retreat from the world because I was better able to get to know me. I became quite jaded and intolerant of most things. But since my hiatus, and throwing myself back into the rat race, I have learned even more about myself and my realtionships with people, especially women.

When I first started going back to school it was really intimidating. Especially as a thirty-something. In my gen-ed classes I'm usually the oldest person in class, but in my law classes, there are people that are closer to my age. Needless to say, I met three wonderful women through this process and I truly don't know what I would do without them. We all have a few common bonds, but are quite different in personality. We range in age from 27 to 43, but I couldn't have put together a better posse if I would have written the script myself. Funny how that happens. I guess I would never expect that the four of us would have made such a great team (and friends).

Please keep in my mind, this is MY perception of the way things are. They may have a totally different take on things. I tend to get a little sentimental. Not something you would expect when meeting me in person. My husband calls me "Stands with Fist" if this gives you some better insight.

First we have M, she's the "mom" of the group in my eyes. She is brilliant, kind and generous, but don't mistake that for weakness, she puts up with no bullshit. She is forever running around taking care of her families needs, but she somehow always has time for us. M and her husband had a house specially built to care for family members. I won't go into detail but she has A LOT on her plate. For the most part, she handles it with a grace that I can only hope to acquire someday. On top of this, M has two small children that she absolutely adores. She has a bachelor's degree and was planning on going to law school, but decided against it and chose a paralegal career instead so that she could pay for her girls to go to college when they get there. She does a great job of taking care of herself as well as her family. She is not afraid and has an heir of humility about her that is simply inspiring. She makes me want to be a better woman. I am blessed to have her in my life.

Next, we have S. She's 41 and brilliant as well. I can always count on her to tell me the truth. It's for this reason that she will be the first to read and hopefully edit, the first complete draft of my book. She has had a great run in her previous career, but she's decided to change it up a bit in order to pay for her children to go to college as well. S is very well mannered and never swears, which only seems to intensify my now glaring defect to say "fuck" every other word. This makes it difficult for her to put me on speaker phone when we are all on a conference call going over our case briefs or legal memo's. She will also be the first one to tell you that she is very detail oriented. S is a realist and very grounded, which can be quite a commodity when it comes to getting things done. I don't think she has any idea how fabulous she really is. But our wonderful S is not without her own obstacles to overcome. Herself being the biggest one. S, like many of us, has had to recover from her childhood. But she is a woman who moves forward in spite of herself. It's amazing to me that she does this without the aid of anything but her own desire to succeed in life and to be a great example to her children. S has no idea what a beautiful woman she is, but I see it and I'm lucky to have her in my life. And if she stays in my life long enough, I will find the wild side of her.

And finally, we have J. She's the 27 year old. She has overcome a lot in her life thus far and is still on the road to pulling herself out of the muck. She holds the most special place in my heart because she reminds me so much of myself at 27. Our lives run somewhat parallel, so we relate to each other well. She's a mixed bag for now. She's sad, angry, scared and confused, but so full of passion and fun. Once she figures out what she's worth, she WILL be a force to be reckoned with. She has this hidden genius about her, and if you're not paying attention, you won't know she has it. As a matter of fact, I'm not quite sure she even knows she has it. She is one, that if you only pay attention to the outsides, you will miss so much.

Our greatest common bond may be that we all keep looking ahead and doing what needs to be done in order to grow, enjoy our lives and raise our children. In spite of ourselves and our pasts we keep moving ahead into the unknown.

 I am honored that these women in particular have allowed me to be a part of their journey. I have no idea how long our friendships will last, but for the time being, I am enjoying every minute. It's not often that you can find one great woman to be friends with, but three?!

We will all graduate at different times, and I of course, will be the last. I think we should just open up our own business of freelance paralegals. 


WARNING:

This was not my intended post, but it's what came out. I guess I just needed to express some gratitude because I almost lost faith in the ability of women to truly be friends. As women, we really need to encourage each other and work together. The competition between women needs to stop. It only tears us down. It's not meant to be that way. Not to mention the fact that we are so much more attractive when we are kind and loving. And I'm not just talking about being kind to your circle of friends. I am really talking about being kind and encouraging to the women you don't know. That's when it really counts. It's easy to be nice to your friends, it's not so easy for some women to see an attractive or charismatic woman and be nice. Just remember, when you're caddy like that, YOU'RE the one with problem. For real.

I will be back soon to catch everyone up and fill you in on all my new plans.

Until then,
~Live Happy

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Life as I know it has changed. I have changed. And it's wonderful.
It took me a minute to realize how wonderful it actually was, because when things start to change without my consent I tend to resist because I fear the unknown.

I have had many challenges in the last year but I have been able to prove to myself once again, that I still have what it takes to get through the stickiness and interruptions that change our lives forever. I get to come out the other side and see that everything is still okay. I''m still here. And this is always the way it is, but I tend to forget that it always works out when I am in the midst of the confusion and treading unfamiliar territory.

I am definitely not through it all the way, but the fog has cleared a bit and I have had the revelation that I am just being brought to a new chapter in life.

My life is a series of comedy'/tragedy events and I am a willing participant to play the role of the comedy/tragedy actress. When I am going through a particularly scary and trying time, I tend to surround myself with people that don't take themselves too seriously and we laugh A LOT. We make fun of the situation, we laugh about what a drama queen and a psycho I can be at times, we reenact the situations over and over and imitate people (me) and literally fall on the floor laughing and crying.

I started school again last year and my grandmother passed the second week of school. Then my son got into some serious legal trouble that took up a lot of my time, energy and money. It made it hard to focus on classes but it's getting easier. When my finals and the end of school came up, my grandfather passed, and he was my hero, my favorite person ever, but it was time. He had a full wonderful life and left a lot of great things behind. He helped many people and always lived in love and service in his very matter of fact, no bullshit, Italian way. Then we ran into serious financial difficulty so we had to make some hard choices there but we are relieved now. There were many silly little things that happened in between, like animals being sick and having surgeries and basements flooding and pipes backing up, holiday get togethers and pissed off family members, but noting we couldn't handle.

I thrive under pressure, it's when I am at my best. But when it all starts to calm down, that's when it hits me. All the emotion comes to the forefront. All of the stuff that I had no time to deal with comes up and greets me like an old friend with it's hand extended. I know what's coming, I've been here before, so I give myself time to cry and grieve and do what's necessary for myself. And then a sense of gratitude comes over me and I know I am going to have to get to know myself once again, because none of us can go through life changing events without being unchanged ourselves. This is where I have the choice to look back and learn or be bitter about how I never seem to get a break. But the truth of the matter is, I get A LOT of breaks. Even though they may be small, they make a huge difference.
I am getting more comfortable in my new environment; my new life. School is more fun now and not so stressful and I am making new friends. My son is getting ready for his one year term at Second City in the Improv. Program, our financial situation is getting a bit more freed up, and all of this has resulted in an abundance of ideas for stories.

I have more of an idea than I have ever had about where I want to go in life and it is freeing but at the same adds a bit of stress. But good stress.

I have finished my first draft and am "shelving" it for now because it's not what I want it to be yet and it's time to put it aside. It is a relief to let it go. I am working on something new though. I have something that resembles an outline and random ideas jotted down. But this time I am allowing time for it to marinade.

I have also exacted the area of law that I want to work in and it feels like a missing piece of the puzzle. I don't know that it will be possible right out of school but it's a definite goal. Capital cases is where it's at for me, on the defending side of course.

The fact that I know winter is coming to an end soon helps immensely with my attitude though. The cold and gray brings me down further and further each year. Once my daughter graduates from high school, I'm outta here. I'm going some place where it's warm all year. The other thing is that I have set things up so that I have stuff to look forward to. Without that, life is really meaningless. I have to have things to look forward to and be excited about. As I'm sure we all need that.

My husband and I are now officially hill-billies; we brought my Harley into the house so we can work on it for the remainder of the winter. It gets too cold in the garage and having those heaters blowing freaks me out because I have this irrational fear of fire. 

Thursday, February 10, 2011

AT&T HAS THE Worst Customer Service

I'm sorry folks to use this blog as a ranting grounds but I can't take it anymore!

It takes A LOT to get me to publicly rant about a company but as of late it seems customer service has really gone done hill everywhere. And I guess down hill is an understatement because it's really non-existent.


Friday, January 28, 2011

How do we know who we really are? How do you know when you're acting on love or acting on fear?