WTF?

Okay. I wasn't gonna get into all of this, but it's part of my process so here it is. We have Dave's cousin staying with us because he needed a place to stay because he got himself into trouble (again). I didn't want him here all of the times he needed a place and he would stay with other family members, but he burnt all bridges.
Finally, I gave in because for whatever reason I thought maybe, just maybe, he was sick and tired and ready to grow up.

Well, wrongo!

He, we'll call him H for Hemorrhoid...or Honey, whichever suits you, they both come from the same place. H lays around, watches tv and feels sorry for himself all day. This causes quite the strain on my creativity and productivity because I like to be alone when I work. I NEED to be alone when I work.

Anywho, when Dave gets home, H wants to sit with us and fucking complain about how much his life sucks and he doesn't know why this is happening, blah, blah, fuckin' blah!

Now---I am not known for my tolerance, patience or compassion for this kind of bullshit behavior. I'm all for self-pity for like five minutes to two days MAX! But beyond that, take your sorry ass and get the fuck out of my face.(Bless his heart).

Enough of that. So this brings us to my productivity level throughout the day. I have been on a pretty good streak lately and I'm determined to keep it up and not let this asshat have that much control.

Yesterday it was a battle between the obsession of pretend conversation that I was going to have with him and trying to quiet my mind enough to allow the creativity flow. Very unproductive. And then I get angry at the fact that this is renting all of this space in my head.

I was able to sand a little more of the project yesterday and got a few words out. Not very happy with myself about that.

Today, I was determined. I did my morning routine, went to the basement to sand for a while, then got on the hamster wheel. While I was running nowhere fast, the ideas started to come. It's like Shay took on a life of her own and this information was being revealed to me. There were a few things that were really tragic and I loved it. So I have yet another chapter, that I swear I couldn't have come up with on my own. I have no idea where it came from. This character has evolved. She is nothing like I thought she would be. It's like she's telling me who she is and I am so in love with her. She looks nothing like I had originally created and the story has exploded into something fantastic. Again, not what I would have written. So, I'm back on the happy train and life in the land of Gina is good once again.

Now to get my ASS to evolve to a smaller size...

~Live Happy

Oh, and the French Culture...Not so fond of it anymore. The more I read, the less I want to be French.

Culture

Hindsight is 20/20 and Love is blind. Are we really wondering why we got problems?

I'm reading a book about the culture in France where hindsight is of no concern and love is just that; love.
A place where they enjoy their lives 


It's a country where the women are women and men are allowed to be men (who they really are without nagging or prompting) in the presence of women. It's actually expected and sexy.

I'll fill you in when I'm finished.

Paradigm

Spending so much time trying to fit ourselves into a specific category or mold can debilitate us. Doing the same thing everyday obscures my creativity. Trying to be some”thing” or become some”one” is so stifling.

I find that when I do what I enjoy, I am willing to take care of things that I would normally have to coerce myself into. Like pay a bill, make an appointment with the dentist, go to the grocery store, clean the bathroom, etc…

I am more creative, productive and useful. Forcing myself to do the things I don’t want to first and then entice myself with some sort of reward is preposterous. Enjoying our lives is not a reward. It is why we are here. To enjoy, not suffer. I don’t mind doing the mundane things when I am happy.

Sure, it may be an alarming thought to go against what society has designed for us, but when I take care of me, I am better available to care for others, and willing to do so. I am no good to my children when I am exhausted and frustrated all the time. And they know, no matter how good we think we are at faking it. The inside shows on the outside whether you think so or not.

I don’t think this is a case of what comes first, the chicken or the egg?

What comes first is our enjoyment.

Unfortunately, we have been taught that this is wrong and selfish. It’s not. What’s selfish is martyrdom.

Who’s making up all these rules anyway? And why do I follow them?

Of course there has to be balance in all of this. That's where I get stuck. I am learning that balance is somewhat of an art form. To change takes practice. Practice takes effort and time. It doesn’t happen overnight. We practice a little bit each day. Baby Steps. And once we put the time and effort in, the change will happen and it will become second nature eventually.

The truth does not exist in a calculated response. It exists in spontaneity.

This is what I have remembered in the last few days of my new adventure.

There is an art to being a woman

Warning: This may be a long post.

Here's what's on my mind; I try to imagine a world where women actually accept men for being men and not try to change them into women.

If you think about it, we are very different, but I'm pretty sure this is for good reason. Think about it. Physically; We are different. If we weren't, we probably wouldn't fit together, right?And that would really suck!
So why is it that we try and change men emotionally? Or what his obligations are around the house? Yes, it drives me crazy when he doesn't put his clothes down the laundry chute; or when he puts his work boots on before he walks out the door and almost every morning, forgets something and walks through the house tracking dry mud all over the place; Or when he puts his cereal bowl in the sink without running water into it so that when I go to put it in the dishwasher I have to actually scrub it anyway and now it doesn't need to go in the dishwasher; Or how about when he wants to go in the garage and tinker with all of his broken, rusted parts and fix things, when I would really like the yard work to get done?

He's a man and I'm a woman. We are different! He will not think the way I think, he will not process things the way I do, he will not care as much as I do about cleanliness and organization, and he sure as shit doesn't care to sit and listen to me bitch about what the neighbor did that pissed me off as soon as he gets home from work; or ever for that matter. This is not personal. This does not mean he doesn't care about me or respect me and the way I feel.It means he's a man. I'm not a lesbian, so why would I want to turn him into a woman?

Here's the way I see it. I would rather take the seven seconds it will take me to throw the laundry down the chute myself. I have to sweep daily anyway because of the animals and kids, I just do it after he leaves in the morning. I'll run water in the bowl and let it sit for a few minutes and then out it in the dishwasher. He can tinker and I'll do some yard work. What's the big fuckin' deal, really? It takes more time and energy for me to be pissed off and then take the time to lecture him about how he really doesn't respect me and care about me than it would to do just do these things myself. Who cares? Is it really worth all the stress and tension that creates. Then he's feeling totally emasculated and unable to show any sort of love the way a man knows how and even if he did we're too pissed off to receive any kind of love in this state of un-grace and this is how things get so fucked up. It just snowballs from there.

Then we want to form all kinds of segregated groups that exclude men and then proceed to bash them while at these womanly events. Really? Why can't we all just get along? If we tried to make every puzzle piece the same...do I have to finish the sentence? It wouldn't form a bigger more beautiful picture.

Imagine this; we allow the men to be men and we allow ourselves the freedom of happiness too. If you want all that work done around the house and in a particular way, then do it. I'm all for women wanting all the rights that men have and becoming independent and making all the money, but that's the woman's choice. So if you as a woman make that choice, it doesn't become an immediate obligation to the man to now pick up the slack because of a choice that you made. How on earth does any of this madness allow for freedom, happiness, and sex to happen?

There is an art to being a woman. If we weren't at such odds with our men, we wouldn't have such a need for all of these women cliques. I'm not saying we can't hang with just the girls and have good time, what I'm talking about is the deliberate segregation.

I am not saying I haven't been this woman, because I have. But, I have seen the difference in letting go and accepting him for who he is exactly the way he is. He doesn't need to be trained. He already had a mom. We are both here because we want to be and when he does things, it's because he wants to. I don't want him doing something because he is afraid I will be mad at him. I want him to do it because he wants to. If he flirts or is flirted with, well good, then he knows he's still got it and I get ALL the rewards.(And so does he).
We don't have to be so serious all the time or even half the time.

I think it was Einstein that said, 'Men marry women with the hope they will never change.Women marry men with the hope they will change.' Ha!

Another Great Day

I am happy to report that I had another great day in the life of Gina.

Two good days in a row. Whew! That hasn't happened in...well, I can't even remember.

I am proud to say that I have a beginning, a middle and an end. Shay is still a junkie, but her character transformed right before my eyes today while I was on the treadmill. I only got about 20 minutes in today because I was afraid I was going to lose the ideas and story, but my legs were just fine with that. They aren't sure what they like less, the weight of carrying my ass around or the pain that I'm putting them through right now.  I'm getting back into my old jeans if it kills me. (Sorry legs, you'll thank me later).

Anywho, it took on a new twist. A totally fuckin' awesome one, if I do say so myself. As soon as that happened, the ideas just started pouring in. I have no idea how many words because I'm still writing it out on my ugly pink legal pad and I've had to add another because of the twist. I have different colored flourescent note cards everywhere a legal pad on each side of me and the computer in front of me pushed to the back just in case. Just in case of what I don't know, but I go into serious withdrawal if it's not there. No table top feels right without it.

As far as the project in the basement, I took a heat gun to it and used my first favorite tool on the planet, the 5-in-1 and scraped the paint from it. There is no easy, fast way to remove paint from wood. Right now it's a tool that helps get me motivated and brainstorming. I am thoroughly enjoying the writer's life at this moment.

~Live Happy

Did I mention I hate door to door salesman? "Look fucker! If I want what you have, I'll fuckin' call ya! Now scram!"

Back To Basics

Day one of back to basics.

I woke up somewhat late this morning, but that motivated me to get out of bed immediately. I had my coffee, checked my e-mail and read some. Then I did my free writing. Here it is if your interested. It's nonsense, but it's what came out of my fingers.

Is it possible to free write and touch my soul? Is it possible to pass by the negativity and distraction that holds me back from my life? Is it possible to free write my way into creativity? I don't know. I give up so soon. It's cold outside and I can hear the shower running in the bathroom from the guy taking a shower. The guy who is so dishonest and self-sabotaging. The guy I used to be. Just longing for love. Selfish love. I only wanted to take and I would give only to receive. I am no longer that way. Well, maybe sometimes, but much less than it used to be. And then I get stuck at this thought because I have quickly resurfaced. I didn't allow myself to go very and only for a few seconds. I want to stay in the corridors of my soul. I want my mind to stop scaring it off. There is a fierce battle between the two. My mind is vicious and my soul is calm. It allows my mind to take over and control. My soul does not want control. It just wants to be. It will wait until my mind can be quiet enough before it surfaces. It doesn't matter to my soul how badly I want it to come forward. What matters to my soul is that it is safe. My mind makes nothing safe. I know it's there. I get tiny glimpses every now and then. But then my judgment takes over and the soul goes back into hiding. I can hear it often stirring around, like someone quietly trying to pick a lock. My mind fears my soul, for it is afraid of peace and harmony. It is afraid that it will have no use if it can not wreak havoc and cause futile dreams to dissolve reminding me that they are only illusions anyway. My soul longs to take over so that I can live in my illusions in harmony with the rest of the world. "I will take over some day, ya know," I can hear it whisper.

(The guy in the shower is my guys cousin. He's staying with us until he gets on his feet again).

Then I got off my ass stuck my iPod in my ears and got on the treadmill. Afterward, I did my free weights workout and probably didn't push myself as hard as I should have but I started to get nauseus, which happens when I haven't wroked out for a while, so I have to ease back in.

Feeling some energy, I walked over to my project, picked up my 2nd favorite tool, the DeWalt hand sander and started to sand what will hopefully be a beautiful work of art. I will share it with you when I am finished. I promise.

After my mind felt clear enough, I went upstairs to shower and the ideas came flooding in. I then fixed myself some lunch and I am now preparing for my session with a coach to get through some of these blocked corridors. I have been productive today and it feels good. I forgot how much the simple things really matter.

I just want to say thanks to Terry, who inspired my list of things that I need to do to get moving again and DL for being funny because I need to laugh, Marty for doing a plethora of things that he seems to love and Kellie who is in this life to inspire women. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Until tomorrow or maybe later,
~Live Happy

Trying something new

Hi All,

I am writing this post today to let those who read, know what I am doing. I have made a decision to only do what I love. I no longer want to do things just to do them because someone else said so. Most of my life I have tried to be a "better" me. In doing that, I have lost who I am. Ironic, I know, but that's the way it works. I am good enough just the way I am. I can't please everyone, so I might as well please myself.

I really do want to be a calm, peaceful, emotionally balanced, be able to tell you the truth in a gentle way, always tolerant and an understanding human being. But, I'm not!  I am hyper, deeply passionate, overly sensitive, sentimental, say it like it is, have the tendency to over-react, sarcastic and can be intimidatingly opinionated at times. This does not make me bad, evil or unpure. Maybe a bit scary, but not bad. 

I only want to do what I believe. For instance, I have removed all of the Google Ads from my website. I do not believe in promoting something I don't do myself. Initially, I thought this would help to make money. The money is not worth sacrificing my integrity. I also do not believe in mass marketing and manipulating people into buying something they may not need or want, by making them believe that they need it or want it. I do however,  believe that in following my true desire and passion that the "right" people will come. Very Field of Dreams, I know, but it's the truth and you can't argue with the truth. When I started this venture, it was supposed to be about passion. My passion. In the process, it got skewed and it became about money. Of course I want money, who doesn't? But what I really want is to wake up looking forward to everyday because I love doing what I do. The way I want to do this may not be the conventional way of doing things, but I'm going to put it to the test. And I want you to be witness to my experiment.

I am not big on media and current events, so if that's what you're looking for, this might not be the place for you. I never used to watch the news or any type of media hype. And people would say to me, "Well then how do you know what's going on the world?" My response, without thought, was always, "I live in it. I get out. I talk to people." "But you don't live in other countries, so how do you know what's going on there?" they would ask me somewhat puzzled at my response. Which I was even more puzzled by their question, which was really answering their own question, "Exactly, I don't live there, I live here." My point is, there is nothing I can do about what other people do. I can only do something about me and my moment and what is happening in my space. And I guess if I have to explain that any further, you don't really get it anyway.

I don't want to change anyone's beliefs or views on anything. I just want to be true to mine and be surrounded by people that are of like mind. I do want to change the world, but in my own way. I do not agree with alot that is going on in the world today and I will do my best to live what I DO believe.

Throughout my two years of forcing myself to watch news and what the 'media' has to say, I have only confirmed my own beliefs. I did this because I felt that maybe I was missing out on something. When my friends and I would get together, I would find that I was unable to comment when people would start talking about current events. As a result, I started to feel as if I wasn't doing my part. So I jumped on the bandwagon. I can't even go into my opinions about what I have seen on tv because I am utterly appalled. 

I will no longer be watching the news and the media. And yes, I will still be able to do my part in the world without that. My first instinct was correct. My instincts usually are and I will not be denying them anymore.

I want to read things and see things that lift my spirits and make me feel good. That is when I am most productive and of my best service. Just because I may not watch the news and do things the way many do, does not mean I can't do my part in this world.

I do not want to be confined by this box. I like to get out in the world and actually see what's going on. I like to get out and actually DO what ever may need to be done. For me, contributing money is not enough. That to me, feels like I'm saying, Here take this and go away, I'm too busy to get in there and contribute my time because after all, it is very valuable you know. It's like the whole 'teaching a man how to fish' story. I like to get physically involved. There is nothing that says you care more than being physically and mentally present.

If I am depressed and fucked up all the time I am no good to anyone. So I am going back to the basics and taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. I will be true to myself and let's see where it goes. I hope you come along for the ride and maybe bring some friends.

Until tomorrow,
~Live Happy

Something to look forward to

I just booked our trip for Daytona! WOO-HOO! I feel better already. I need things to look forward to, it keeps me going. Maybe that's been part of the problem. My life used to be so chaotic and I was going all the time, had a social life the size of.......who cares. It's not that way anymore. I live a pretty mellow life with only people I actually like and enjoy, which isn't very many. Yay me. Taking the action to live your dreams takes alot of focus.

I'm goin' to Daytona Beach! My guy and I are getting married on the beach in Key West. I know I've called him my husband throughout, but the word boyfriend and fiance seem so, I don't know, juvenile. Hence, "My Guy".

It will just be the two of us. A quick twenty minute ceremony at high noon on the beach, barefoot. I'm not into the big, long, drawn out wedding scene.

This time we'll be going to Key West first, staying for a few days, then ride up to Daytona for bike week.
I was hoping to have the bigger tanks on my bike for this trip but I dicked around too much, so we'll just have to stop every hundred miles to gas up, which is fine with me because I need to walk and talk to someone else by that time. We're riding down the Gulf side and through the Everglades this time to get to the Keys. I'm hoping we make it through without any gator incidents. If we don't, I'll have a hell of a story to tell when I get back. Hopefully I still have my fingers.

~Live Happy

Conflict

This is the perfect image of what I go through on a daily basis. I have two definitive sides and everything else is a derivative of that. Depending on what in particular I am battling with, I have quite the long process of making a decision.

I get excited about something and feel adequate for the job. I can't wait to get started on my new found idea or project.

As the minutes go by, the nefarious side creeps out to play and wants to tell me what a terrible idea it is and that I couldn't possibly accomplish that. This side especially likes to come out and fuck with me when I lay my head on the pillow.

When it comes to myself, I am relentlessly beat up over the most mundane bullshit until I am a listless, wet noodle on the floor sniveling like a baby. Then the insidious little bastard will sit and smile, so pleased with himself at his handy work.

When making a decision to do something productive or something I enjoy, the ruffians comes out onto the battlefield with their arsenal of weapons. Yes, I relish the adrenaline rush that comes along with mischief, but I also enjoy the feeling of doing the right thing, especially the long lasting effect it has on my self-esteem. But I struggle...

All of the self analysis can get quite tiresome and tedious. I then resort to writing out what I am grateful for so I can pull myself from the dregs of this wretched place and the benevolent side tells me how capable and brilliant I am. That I am loved and cared about...It's all a bunch of pansy ass crap really, but this is what happens.

Overall, I'm pretty good at defeating the hooligans and their little antics. I have to allow them to chatter incessantly while I ignore their relentless trickery. I often find myself saying, "Thanks for the offer guys, sounds like fun, but I really have to get this done," or "Yes, I'd like to tell him what a fuckin' loser he is and that he's a miserable little man, but then I'd be wrong too and I am NOT going to have to apologize to that fucker later," or "Thanks for all your criticism but I think I'll like myself today." If I don't play back, they try harder but it subsides eventually. After all, you can't play without a playmate, right?

About Me Me Me

I was born in 1973. This is when the madness began. I took ballet lessons starting at six years of age. Decided I didn’t want to do that after I don’t know how long. I was too much of a tomboy. I was full of energy and curiosity. I then took Tae-Kwon-Do for about a year. Decided that wasn’t feeding my creative side. I was an athlete involved in track, volleyball, basketball and cheerleading, yes, cheerleading; the captain no less. I also took guitar and tennis lessons. Finally after years of trying to get me to focus on one thing, my exhausted family gave up and the mantra of my life became, Just finish something.

Being an only child I found myself bored quite often and we moved every year to a place further than the last so it was impossible for me to make any long lasting friendships. But I was determined to have fun all the time. I guess this wasn’t as acceptable as I had hoped it would be. But I persevered.

This search has carried on for my entire life even to present day.

I had a child at eighteen and was single three weeks later. I had various jobs just to support myself and my son, to keep myself from drowning. At age twenty-three I had a daughter and got married. I thought this was the solution. I began a licensing class for esthetics. This was the first thing I ever completed. I went on to get a job in the field and wanted to further this career but of course life got in the way. I wasn’t making the money that we needed. So I decided to take a correspondence paralegal course while staying home with my kids but not before joining the Marines. I wanted an education and figured this was a good way to go. After being accepted and sworn in, I started to train with my Staff Sergeant to prepare for me for boot camp. I was scheduled to leave on my son’s birthday. He would wake up in the middle of the night scared because of terrible dreams he would have of me being in the military. I decided at that point it wasn’t such a good idea anymore. There had to be another way. I talked with the Gunnery Sergeant and my Staff Sergeant and they let me off the hook with a letter stating that I would be honorably discharged with an invite to come back any time I was ready.

It was pointless for me to work because all of the money I would have been making would have been going towards paying someone else to raise my children. This didn’t make sense to myself or my husband.

While I was home, I had a lot of fun because my kids and I would get creative and have fun most of the day. I always wanted my own business, so I would come up with a plethora of hair-brained schemes. But unfortunately not everyone (husband) was on board. So I would come up with something else and try to sell him on the next idea. It was always a no-go. I think he became tired of my shenanigans and I became bored. This wasn’t good for someone as adventurous as me. I eventually left and became a single mom once again. I started to work for a couple of criminal defense attorney’s and it was great for a while but my conscience started to wear on me. I couldn’t sleep at night knowing that these people “did it” and that because of all my effort and research they were either going to get off or get a light sentence. Some of these cases were murder and baby abandonment. I couldn’t do it. I then started to work part-time for some crap I didn’t feel mattered. That didn’t last long. I lost the house we were in and had to move back in with my now ex-husband. I was lost and hopeless. I stumbled across an opportunity to paint houses. I LOVED it. I was good at it. Then I joined the union and again had a bad situation come up. I was being stalked. It was bad. He would terrorize me and break into my home and mess with my car. Eventually, I couldn’t get to work consistently because my car usually had the break lines cut or a transmission line cut, or holes jammed through my radiator with a screw driver or lug nuts loosened on my tires. I had to go into hiding and my children stayed with my ex-husband. A great friend helped me out and I stayed with her through a lot of this. She opened a door for employment through a company that was a client of hers. I loved, loved, loved this job. It was a toy design firm and my job was to brainstorm new toy and game ideas and play with clients toys and games as they came in. I eventually was let go because the stalker would relentlessly harass my boss using different ways. Like calling and saying he was a newspaper reporter and wanted her comment on my recent arrest for whatever he decided to make up at the time. Of course none of things he would say were true but she got sick of the harassment. I was there for almost a year, not enough to get another job in that field without some sort of degree. So I went back to painting and started my own painting business and worked for friends who also painted and hung drywall. Through this endeavor I found the love of my life and we bought a house and I went back to school and became an EMT, worked on an ambulance and went to paramedic school. Again, decided this wasn’t for me. I didn’t agree with too many things that went on and the hours were not conducive to my personality. I asked my guy if I could stay home and build an at-home business writing, my first love. I really want to write books. I have always wanted to write but never thought it possible so I put it on the back burner all my life. Again, I took a correspondence course for copywriting, built a website and a blog and have sold a few articles. It has been two years now and this career choice was a lot more work than I suspected but I LOVE it. The problem now is, the lack of money is starting to wear on us financially. I don’t want to give up and as you can see my sorted job history doesn’t fare well with potential employers. I have had many more jobs than I have named here. I have discovered that I am NOT an office type of person or one who can go to the same place every day and do the same thing everyday unless I absolutely love it and believe in it. I am a problem solver and need to constantly be challenged or I get bored.

For so long I felt like I had no soul. I hated getting out of bed in the morning to go to work. After a while I just couldn’t do it anymore. I know there are people out there in the world that can have a job just to get a paycheck and pay the bills and persevere. I am not one of them. Like I said, I have to love and believe in what I am doing. I would rather live in my car than have a job that I hate. I know this may sound selfish and lazy, but if I have to explain, you wouldn’t understand anyway. So here lies my dilemma; I have certifications and licenses coming out of my ass. I have a couple of lifetimes worth of experience in dealing with people, learning new things, and coming through many challenging situations.

I wonder every day if I deserve the opportunity I have been given here and it holds me back. But I become hopeless more so now than ever because I am getting older and still feel I have made no real accomplishments. I have never been one to wait for something “to come along”. I just do. I pick something and do it. I am dreamer and a believer in the impossible. Yes, there were many phrases the adults would throw at me, “get you head out the clouds”, Get your feet on the ground”, “you can’t do that”, “You’ll never get anywhere living in your fantasy world”, blah, blah, blah. For so long I truly thought there was something wrong with me but this is who I am and I like it. This is who I am, this is my experience. There is nothing wrong with me. Yes, I am bossy and a bit of a control freak among other flaws, but there is always balance. I am as good as I am bad.

I just had to get it out there because I am sick of feeling ‘less than’ because I have no particular academic degree. Sure, people could look at this and think that I just need to make up my mind and stick with something but I wouldn’t give up anything I have done. I can look back and say I have learned something from every experience I have had in my life and had fun getting through most of it. Thanks to wonderful friends and laughter. Seeing the silver lining and the humorous side has kept me in good spirits and alive. But here I am coming to a place where I feel I am failing miserably and wonder what is left. I don’t want to give up. I know there is something out there for me. I know there is A LOT left. But the money or lack there of is becoming a problem. I read once that if you do what you love the money will come. My question is, How long do I have to wait?

I know this may severely lessen my chances of getting paid work, but I don’t want to have to lie about who I am because eventually my true colors will come through and it’s too much work to try and be someone else. Everyone else is already taken, so I might as well just be me. I believe that if I am honest, the right things will come and I will be free.

I hemmed and hawed about posting this and still don't know if it should be up her. But it's here for now.
How ‘bout that for narcissism?!

~Live Happy

State of Grace

I love to observe. Observe people, animals, situations, the weather, nature, everything.
There is something so different about humans. When I watch all of the other things in motion or still, there is something so very off. I couldn't put my finger on it for the longest time and then I realized that the difference between us and everything else is Fear. And I'm not talking about a healthy fear of things that could truly harm us but irrational fear. Any type of fear that has nothing to do with actual current danger, let's say you're in a speeding car or you feel a rumble underneath your feet, there's a fire or someone is pointing a gun at your face...Fears like this that could save your life are indicators that you need to get out of the situation somehow. Any other fear is drawn from past experience. Think of a fear you may have. They are all based on what has already happened or what someone has told you. And the truth is, the past is an illusion. It's gone. The only way it repeats itself is when we don't let it go.

When we are afraid and we act on those fears, we creating them to happen and then we're like, "See, I knew that was going to happen." Well of course you did, that's why it happened.
If I am not in imminent danger chances are I should take on the adventure at hand.

When I think of fear and what would counter that, would be of course love, but Grace would be more the principle I'm looking for. The dictionary definition of Grace is this; elegance of beauty or form; manner; action; motion.

I can be none of these things if I am afraid. I have to trust the process if I am to live in a state of grace.
We have to find the connection between us and whatever it is we are doing and allow ourselves to feel or be with that connection.

When we are in fear we can not be graceful. Sure, everything physical is a possible danger, but if we take all necessary safety precautions, chances are we're going to be just fine.
I do one thing everyday that I fear, even if's it's little. It keeps me feeling alive and looking forward. 

A few summers ago my fear was was riding my motorcycle. It was a looong process. And the older I get the more fear I accumulate. I would look at my beautiful shovelhead and picture myself riding the open road with the sun hitting my face and the breeze going through me. I would feel the road grime on my face and the weight of my riding boots on my feet. I would see myself in a tank top and jeans riding down the coast, stopping at every cafe on the way and meeting people. I would feel and hear the rumble and see my guy by my side.

This was enough for me to pull her out of the garage and then I would sit on her for a while, trying to keep out the horrific visions of me slamming my face on a curb, being run over by a semi or flying over the guardrail on the highway. Ya know, like Miss Gulch. It would take me a while to start it because once it's warmed up it's time to ride and the sound would get my adrenaline going and I needed to be calm. I was scared every time I got on that bike for the first summer. And some days I would opt out because I just wanted to enjoy myself and not feel so tense, so I would hop on the back of my husbands bike. Then we would be out on the road and I would see other women on their own bikes and I would somewhat regret my decision. This would get me on my bike the next day. I road around my neighborhood for the first year, too afraid to go out onto the main roads. Finally, I just got sick of myself and being so afraid all the time that I grabbed my husband and said let's go. We rode to Arkansas, through the Ozark mountains, onto dirt roads, through road construction and rain. It was the most amazing and scary experience I've had in some time but worth every emotion and obstacle I went through.

There was no going back. We were out there. I had no choice but to keep going. We took back roads most of the way. Through the mountains, it's only two lanes and the speed limit is 65. I live in Illinois where it's very flat so the hills and curves are nothing that I am used to. It was 11pm when we were in the Ozarks and there were no shoulders to get off on, just two lanes and drop offs on each side. At one point I wasn't sure if I was going to run out of gas because I only have 3.5 gallon tanks (we're buying bigger ones now) and the road was 95 miles long with nothing but trees, pavement and air. I had no choice but to be connected with this machine and everything else around me if I was going to get through this without a coronary. Once I relaxed and trusted, it was a breeze and nothing on earth has ever felt so good. This was my moment of knowing what grace was. Not just reading about it, not hearing about it and having the information but actually experiencing it and now I 'know' what grace really is. It is a state of being...

I want to live this way every day of my life. And I forget how, but then I remember this story and this is when the past serves me well.

~Live Happy

Narcissism

Okay, I know I haven't posted in a while and I made a commitment, but I have been writing everyday. Some things just aren't post worthy.
But, I was looking through some personality research I was doing for a character, trying to find some old inspiration and I came across this Assessment dated 1988. Maybe it's interesting, maybe it's not. Here is how the form is laid out:

School Committee

The Assessment of Narcissism and Narcissistic Disordered Youth
1           2  
Not Present
3           4
Slightly Present
5
Present
6      7      8
Off and On Present
9      10
Always present

____ 1. Inner poverty with lack of self-esteem and genuine investment in self
____ 2. Extreme defenses to guard against emptiness, inadequacy, fear, anxiety
____ 3. Periods of narcissistic depression-despair-depression, but lots of bitterness and hostility coming through towards self and others.
____ 4. Chronic complaints about health ; always some hurt, illness or physical trauma (real or imagined) that effect the ability to perform.
____ 5. Chronic lack of energy and enthusiasm; reports lack of sleep and rest
____ 6. Lack of spontaneity and range of emotions; usually flat/angry affect.
____ 7. Guarded, repetitive self-disclosure; repeats the same message/views opinions/verbal attacks over and over; little new sharing.
____ 8. Sees self as superior, special and extraordinary despite actual behavior-poor reality testing regarding self.
____ 9. When defenses and manipulation fail or broken down, feels helpless, hopeless and empty-usually leading to acting-out/acting-in behavior
____10. Fails to take ownership and responsibility; projects blame on to others (PROJECTION).
____11. Extreme black and white thinking; rigid thinking based on own "logic".
____12. When not projecting, denies (DENIAL) ownership and responsibility.
____13. Usual behavior: manipulative, seductive, intimidating, passive-aggressive.
____14. Limited or no healthy grief or mourning. Deals with loss by anger, resentment or no reaction.
____15. Limited or no healthy guilt feelings. Deals with guilt by feeling shamed, embarrassed, humiliated, resentful/angry.
____16. Poorly integrated moral development and value system; many times can verbalize healthy morals and values, but doesn't believe, integrate or act on them; Acts on own morals that justifies their actions and attitudes.
____17. All encompassing sense of being right, and above the rules/ requirements. They are deserving of special treatment.
____18. Orientation to the future; a) magical, wishful thinking that fantasies will come true; b) others will provide for them in the future as they deserve it; and/or c) lack of concern and inability to discuss the future knowing all will work out.
____19. Perfectionist either feeling anything they can do can never measure up and/or others should see the perfection no matter what the actual quality/quantity of work.
____20. Stress and anxiety tolerance extremely low resulting in escapist and/or abusive behavior (ex: drugs, alcohol, violence, destruction of property, sex)
____21. Either total assurance relationships they are in will last forever or a constant fear of rejection, hurt, being used.
____22. Desire for instant, fast intimacy without real work or investment; Elaborate displays of affection, caring and commitment to "win" someone over without genuineness. Sense of conquest important.
____23. Devaluing of others and others work/accomplishments. Harsh, negative and extremely critical of others and their accomplishments.
____24. Past relationships and past history: a) selective amnesia; b) trivialized made superficial and/or; c) blown out of proportion leading to deep resentment and hurt or exxageration of superiority/accomplishments.
____25. In dealing with authority; a) seek to gain control over authority; b) covertly undermine authority and/or; c) be in constant power and control battle.
____26. Lack of empathy, compassion and concern for others' lives, problems and feelings.
____27. Feelings of jealousy, envy and resentment at others happiness.
____28. Belief in special abilities or powers (ex: exaggerated sense of physical strength, know what others are thinking, what will happen in the future).
____29. Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse can be exciting, stimulating, power enhancing and lead to feeling of superiority/grandiosity.
____30. Narcissists see society and societal institutions as either objects to meet their needs and wants, objects to manipulate into meeting needs and wants or obstacles to their needs and wants being met.

Total Score_____

Scoring Key:

300-270     Severe narcissistic disorder; evidence of severe emotional disturbance effecting attitudinal, emotional and behavior development and change to a great extent.

269-240     Moderate to severe narcissistic disorder; evidence of emotional disturbance creating obstacles to growth, change and behavior levels.

239-210     Beginning narcissistic disorder to Moderate narcissistic disorder; inability to manage and resolve narcissistic issues developing into emotional disturbance.

209-180     Youth struggling with narcissistic issues and having narcissistic problems in attitude, wmotions and behavior periodically.

179-150     Age appropriate issues with narcissism and narcissistic resolution. Healthy attitudes, emotions and behavior.

Below 149  Extremely healthy youth successfully resolving age appropriate issue; youth with excellent healthy capacity for further growth, change and development.

(*Note: Another explanation could involve problems with depression and withdrawal).

January 13, 2010

As I was typing this form onto the page, number 17 stuck with me and I developed a mini fear throughout the rest of the form that I, myself may be a narcissist. 
If you read the comment, Anonymous wrote: How very anti-climactic. Give us more; This is what prompted my addition to this post. 

As I lay in my bed last night, I thought; what more do you want? I was just sharing an interesting form I found and thought I would allow other writers to take part. When I woke up this morning, I decided I would do an honest self-analysis, to the best of my ability and add up the score for myself. I don't know if the adult form is different as I'm sure it is, nonetheless, I took it anyway. 
My score was 103. I'm not sure if that's good for an adult. What I do know is that I am forever growing and on my bad days I surely score much higher. 
On seven of the questions I did score a five or higher. When I was a youth, I can say I was definitely between 240 and 300. 
Today, I do my best to live in Grace but not always an easy feat.
So Anonymous, if this isn't enough for you, please be more specific about what you're looking for. My crystal ball is in the shop being repaired. I hope I didn't disappoint you too much.


~Live Happy;)

Cleaning out the basement

They say, that your surroundings emulate you.

We bought our house in June of 2006. The house was a disgusting, trashed disaster. I am drawn to this sort of shit because I'm great at restoring things that are destroyed and I take pride in those sometimes daunting tasks. I love to make yucky things beautiful. There's no thought when I am renovating; I just start doing.

We started by ripping out the dilapidated, cat pissed on carpeting throughout the house. Underneath was a beautifully stained hardwood floor. Now, most people would have replaced this floor or just got new carpeting. I loathe carpet! I have animals and don't like the maintenance that needs to be done with keeping a carpet looking and smelling good. So, we rented a floor sander and scraped the glue off the floor with a 5-in-1. My most valued and favorite tool. Everyone should have one. We sanded the floors endlessly and then I stained them. They are b-e-a-you-tiful. Really not that simple, but I won't bore you with the details of 'Refinishing Hardwood Floors 101'. We then painted and replaced various walls in the house. Some I covered with my faux artwork abilities.  It's been a long process but we're finally finished with all the rooms in the house.

I keep promising myself that the outside of the house is going to get painted the following spring and I'm going to build a porch. That has yet to happen.

Recently, I have been going through boxes and boxes of 'memories' that have been crammed in my basement. I usually move once a year and this is the longest I have ever been in one place to actually be able to 'sit and sift'. In going through all of these boxes, I realized I have been lugging this shit around with me for too many years, never really having the time to go through the stockpile. My life has been a self-induced chaotic mess and here are the remnants of that lingering in the confines of my basement. I found a spray painted orange block that my friend R landed on when we were jumping off the roof running from the police. He fractured his ankle on that block and as I landed on the ground I picked up the block and stuffed it in my pocket before I proceeded to run. I was fourteen at the time. I had many, many things like this in boxes. I also had a box full of notes that people had written from high school. Ya know, the ones you write when you actually made it to class and you're stoned and bored? Yeah, those.
Well, I went through and one by one for three days, burned them all in my fireplace, thanking each one of those people for being in my life when I needed them, but it was time to let them go.

It's funny how I carried all of this with me, slowing me down all of these years, hanging on to some deluded past that I thought then was fun. As I was reading some of these letters, I got a sick feeling because it was all so unhealthy. I would drag these boxes from place to place and store them in the basements of 'my house'. Leaving them there to take up space with barely any room for all of the new and great things in my life. I couldn't get new things because I had no room for them. I was packed with all the old shit. If I wanted new and better things I had to get rid of the old. I cleaned out my basement. Got rid of all the old knick knacks, letters and a plethora of paraphenalia. My basement is so roomy now. And it's clean. I want to spend time down there now.

I was so afraid to let go of all the effects because I thought it would leave me in a black hole of nothing-ness. Alone. No longer able to prove to anyone including myself that I was loved at one time. I kept all of that stuff because I needed to remind myself constantly that I was cared about, as if I no longer have that. But I do. It's just hard to see when I have all of this crap from my past that I am forever looking at. I couldn't focus on the today because I was so stuck in the past, which then would keep repeating itself in my future. What I do today creates my tomorrow.

When my daughters friends come over she would warn them that when we pull up to the house, "It looks  crappy on the outside, but once you walk in, it's awesome". And it is. It's like Alice in Wonderland here. People always comment on how great the energy is when they walk into my home. "It's like a retreat", they say, and they don't want to leave and go back to the real world. I see nothing special, I just know that I created what I love and I now love being home.  I guess that is quite special in retrospect.

This spring I am painting my house. I have done yard work and planted flowers over the past years we have lived here and my neighbors are quite appreciative and helpful. I love my neighbors too. I was never friends with my neighbors in the past. And I mean friends, not just 'Hi, how are you?' We have dinners together neighborhood movies in our back yards while cooking and eating, working on fund-raisers and crafty projects.The kids love it. We all talk and help each other out when need be. We have celebrated graduations, mourned deaths and break-ins and have laughs about the police knocking on our doors at wee hours in the morning. We each have a different talent and exchange services. It's phenomenal.

I only talk about this because it is so different from what I am used to living. The police are no longer here because of me. But it didn't just come. I had to 'clean out my basement' and work my way up to get through the wreckage I created for myself and others. I had to identify the garbage, make peace with it and have the courage to throw it away, with trust that my emptiness would be filled with something better, something that fits who I am today or who I want to become.

I have always worked from the inside out without realizing the significance in that. And a lot of times the outside doesn't match the inside and this is what I am working on now. I think most people start with the outside because they want to present a package, but when you walk in, it's not the same, somehow it's cluttered and chaotic. To me that is being dishonest. But the way my house is, definitely emulates me. The outside is rough and mangy, with a few sprinkles of flowers if you really look, but when you walk in there is peace and fun in most places. But not everyone gets to enter my home. I sit outside with a lot of people and just chit chat.

I do have a small room, sometimes my car, to store all the stuff that I'm not yet ready to deal with and let go of. But I clean it out every couple of months.

With daily maintenance it's much easier to go through. When I allow things to pile up, the work is much harder and has created mess on top of mess.

It's kind of like car maintenance; get an oil change regularly and take care of the small things and they never get bigger than you can handle. You won't get stranded on the side of the road. Although, I have luckily met some great people being stranded on the side of the road. If you don't do the maintenance, then low oil can turn into a blown engine and the car is useless.

And that concludes my story for today. I'm Frasier Thomas and we'll be seeing you and your family next Sunday with Family Classics.
No really, I have a basement floor to mop.

Live happy;)

How are we going to create memories if we never have to go anywhere to shop or purchase things?
Going to a record store. Going to Blockbuster. Buying shoes and clothes.

No more flirting with a cute guy in the record store while hanging out with your best girlfriend on a warm Saturday afternoon.
No more montage with your girlfriend in the (store in mall), going to the food court and having an extremely gross piece of greasy pizza.
I have so many great memories from going to stores and hanging out with my friends. It's how we met people, it's what created memories.

What's going to happen when everything is done on line?
Will everyone's story be the same? "Oh, yeah, I met him in the chat room." Who cares? No one will even care about asking how anyone met or what they did this weekend because everyone will know because they did it too.
Sat on line. Or even if you do get out of the house, god forbid, your texting on your phone and can't even look up for a moment to meet or greet anyone.
I'm just sayin'.
I'm not trying to stop it or ask anyone to do something about it. I'm just sayin' it's sad.
We experience such wonderful things when we go out in the world. The best things happen when you're not expecting it. Like out running errands. Going to the mailbox, running to the grocery store, picking up your new favorite album or cd...all of these things can be done on line now.
Nothing is private or personal anymore. We store everything on line where anyone can get access to it. I don't care how secure they tell you it is. If it can be designed to be secure it can be hacked to be stolen or un-secure.

It saves time. Time for what? What are you going to do with all of your free time? Work? Work to pay your now $300 phone bill and your $200 cable bill.
People say this saves paper. It's better for the environment. If you think that the internet and cell phones aren't going to create a new set of problems in the future you're sadly mistaken. No matter what, there will be balance.
We keep trying to solve all of the problems with something new, but that something new will have it's own set of problems. It's just the way it works.
The answer is love and service. If people would just be kind and generous you would probably be amazed at the harmony created. We keep trying to solve spiritual issues with money and material. More stuff, more money.
Socilizing is no longer meeting people face to face. It's creating superficial relationships on the internet where we have no idea who we're really dealing with. What about your neighbor?
Things are now becoming virtual. So are we going to be taking virtual vacations instead of actually going out and exploring the world? Why? Because it's cheaper to sit in your living room. Why does it need to be cheaper? Again, so we can we pay our astronomical bills that come with all of this new technology. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. What I am saying is it's going too far. Is this next generation of kids even going to know how to meet and talk to people face to face? They probably won't need to know how. How sad is that? We are creating an anti-social world.

When my children were small we loved going to the movies on a Saturday and walking into a theater and seeing all of the people sitting there waiting and excited. That was part of the experience, all of the people. It was nice to know that if only for two hours, everyone was coming together for the same reason. We have something in common. We all want to see this movie.
Now we go into the theater and there's barely anyone there. Sure we can see the movie, but like I said, the energy isn't the same.
Have you ever wondered why it is that you get choked up when your at a game and everyone stands to hear the national anthem? It's because for one moment everyone is coming together for the same thing and it creates a vibe of harmony and peace.

A little piece of truth about me

My entire life, I have wanted to believe that there was something out there looking out for me. Watching over me. Helping me along in all of my endeavors and adventures. I truly believed that if I wanted it bad enough it would come to me. What I have realized as I started this writing journey is that there is nothing...Nothing but me and my inner longings. There are two parts to me; my brain, which thinks of everything and more. It rationalizes everything for me. It tells me when things make sense or don't make sense. Very logical. Unfortunately, I have never been very logical and I have always been in conflict with my brain. I never quite knew what it was, but I am seeing this as I search for something more.

Then there are my emotions, which usually always overrides my intellect. I'm consciously working on this.

I know that we all have our little insecurities and we are all connected on this level. We can all identify and relate to these fears. I don't care who you are and how many social acceptabilities you have in your life.  Our insides can be in conflict with our outsides. This is usually the case with most.

Our brains all carry the same design to some degree of insecurity and think we are inept in one way or another. What separates us is how deep this goes. Our own personal beliefs about ourselves.

For many years I lived very selfishly. I had no idea this is what I was doing but nonetheless, it's how I lived. One day I woke up and decided to make an active change. I didn't know what it was going to be, but I knew change needed to take place to stop living the way I was.

My life has changed forever as a result. I have changed as a result. My life as I once knew is completely different. And once we know things, we can't not know them, no matter how hard we try. This is when I discovered the true meaning of Ignorance is Bliss.

I have alot of information. We can get it from people, books, many different sources. But the real meaning for all of this information doesn't truly take place until we have an experience and have to apply that information.

I had a friend once tell me, "You're so right you become absolutely wrong." I didn't understand what she meant until I was in a situation where I was screaming my head off because someone wasn't listening to me. And I was right. But in the process of me telling this person how right I was I became wrong because I was yelling and swearing. How often have I done that with my children?

Through all of this new learning, I realized how empty I was and that I wanted more. I didn't know how hollow I was until I knew. It felt so good to have found a new way. It felt good to know that I didn't have to live like I was living. It was such a relief. In this search I wanted to have a relationship with some sort of higher being. Growing up Lutheran, I was taught about God and all that mumbo jumbo. But it never sat right with me so I excused it from my life.

Over the last ten years my beliefs have changed drastically. I have been afraid to share this because I do fear judgment every now and then. But it is becoming harder and harder not to share because it is such a big part of my story and why I am who I am today. I tried everything as far as something bigger than me goes. I won't bore you with the details of how I came to this, but it was a long, scary, fun, depressing, confusing ride.

I would wait for something to take over once I had done my part. The outcome is not up to me, right? All I can do is the right thing for me and all will work out exactly the way it's supposed to. I lived this for many years without realizing that I may have had to put in extra work. I would do my thing and leave the rest up to, well...let's say God, for lack of a better term right now. As I was trying many different things, none of them were working out for me. For a long time, I chalked it up to, well, I guess I'm not supposed to have it then. I was okay with that for a while, until one day I realized that I really wanted something and I was going to do whatever it took.

It's not about something else working for me. It's about doing everything I can if I want something bad enough. Never will I harm others in my endeavors to get what I want. I believe in honesty and integrity all the way.I can blame no one or nothing else for the contents of my life. I am responsible for what happens to me. That is such a relief for me. I am not a victim. Nothing can happen that I don't allow to happen. I am the creator of my world; good or bad. (Sheewff).

I became angry through that process because I felt worthless and like I didn't matter. Why am I doing all of this work and nothing seems to go my way? Now, I'm not big on self-pity. I will allow myself an ample amount of time to feel sorry for myself and then move on. If I find it keeps rearing it's ugly head, I do something entirely different. That thought popped up repeatedly, so I decided to just go for what I wanted and keep going until I achieve results. Results that I want. 

Today, I do not believe in a God per se. I do believe in hard work, honesty, kindness and love. I do believe that if we want something bad enough we will seek out the route and do what is necessary to achieve our goals. I do believe that we are treated the way we treat others, most of the time. I do believe that we teach people how to treat us. I believe in centering ourselves however it is that each of us do that. Whatever works. I do believe that there is energy in this world that goes out and comes back. I believe in spirituality. I believe in people working together for a common goal. Love and Joy. I believe in encouraging and empowering people. Sharing what we have learned. There are some that will keep information because they fear that if they share it will take away from what they are getting, but the total opposite is true. When we withhold, we are withholding from ourselves. There is plenty to go around and the more we share the more there will be. It's a paradox but it works. There is a motivation factor here that I have also learned through trial and error. If our motives are selfish, then we only get that back. Our intentions have to be true and selfless.

I do not believe that there is anything out there working for me or in my favor. Favoritism is a human characteristic. What I put into something is what I will get out of it. When the time has come that I no longer get anything positive out of the experience, it's time to move on. 

This is the kind of stuff that I can go on and on and on about. But I usually don't because I am afraid of boring some people. See, there I go again, caring about what others think. Although I may care about what others think, ultimately, I do what I want. It takes me some time but I get it out there eventually. I can do nothing before it's time. I do my best to remain true to myself and sometimes this hurts others but that is not my intention. Here is what I have to say to those who take my actions so personally; GET OVER IT! It's not about you!

Anyway, this is the revelation I decided to share today. I'm sorry if it is unclear. I tend to get lost in my ramblings sometimes, which is another reason I hold back. But I am changing that from this day forward.

Just one more...

So I'm sitting here with my pocket muse trying to find inspiration for something to post because I promised myself I would post everyday. How much does it suck when the shit gets boring? And of course, it's 11:07p.m., so I have to get it in before the clock strikes twelve. (That was stupid, I know but I'm in a hurry).

Anyway, I opened the book to the first random page my fingers picked and here's what it said; Tempted to quit early? Make yourself this promise: just one more sentence. Say this every single time you want to quit early. One more sentence.

Do you want to know the first thing that came to my mind?
'Well, if you can do it when you're smokin' crack, why not with a sentence?' Just one more...
Not that I smoke crack, but that's the thought that went through my head. Just thought I'd share that with you.

Good advice, I suppose.

P.S. This is how I'm going to dress from now on...My new style

Freezing and Lethargic

Okay, I need some warm weather, sunshine and a beach. It's one degree here. I loathe the cold. I'm already sick of doing projects in the house.
I gave snow skiing a shot because we thought that maybe if I enjoyed a cold weather sport, it would make the winters a little more bearable for me. Well, I'm here to report that there's not a chance in hell. Sure it was fun, but I hate the cold. My goal is to move somewhere warm eventually.
We're going back to Daytona in March but it won't be here soon enough.
I made a commitment to myself to post everyday. I apologize for the lameness but I've not much to share today.

Prologue for my fictional book

What do I remember of being a drug addict?

I remember parties and friends, sleeping in strange places, places I would never go to now, men with guns and women, fighting, dark alleys and projects, dirty, rat infested apartments, sex with men I barely knew, laughing, road trips, drug runs, scoping out cars to steal, smoking cigarettes, being high for days at a time, not going home, cops, drug dealers and being arrested.

I walked into dark alleys and got into strangers cars, smiling and being paranoid. Paranoid that the cops weren’t far behind or possibly in the car with you. Do they have a gun? Is this when I will be raped and murdered? Will they take me and use me to sell to others for sex? These thoughts would cross my mind every time I met someone new, but I would be comforted by the sight of bags of pot, alcohol and cocaine all over the table.

We would drive from gas station to gas station looking for the tiny plastic roses in glass tubes or cigars encased in glass, not plastic. The items thrown on the counter was a bottle of rubbing alcohol, chore and a rose. Sometimes I would swear up and down that they knew what I was doing and just didn’t care. Other times, I would think they had no clue. Maybe I’m a clean freak that wants to buy myself a rose because I’m a lonely soul. Having no idea what they saw when they looked at me; Ninety pounds with blackened thumbs and fingertips, dried, cracked, blistered lips, dark circles outlining my eyes and skin so pale you would swear I was a ghost. I guess that’s what I was.

I was proud of who I was and what I did. I was always the youngest one in the group and a lot of times the only female. I felt special. More special than I had ever felt anywhere else. I was very well taken care of, as much as you can be living this lifestyle. I was looked out for and protected. People gave me drugs. I was like a little sister to most. No one hit me or berated me. No one made me feel like I was worthless. Besides, in my mind I wasn’t that bad. It’s not like I was shooting dope or handing out blowjobs for a fix.

But, this was not the normal life of a teenager. I sometimes wondered what would become of me. Would I ever be a lawyer or an architect? Would I eventually change my mind about living this way. Was it possible for me to be a woman of respect and dignity? I would wonder these things while I was snorting lines of cocaine in an apartment with mattresses on the floor and dirty dishes strewn about the place, smelling of piss, cigarettes and sex. Holes in the walls and the only thing in the fridge were drugs and an old bottle of ketchup. I always wondered about that; people could have nothing but there always seemed to be a bottle of crusted old ketchup in the fridge if nothing else.

Sometimes I just wanted to erase everything and be someone else. I wanted to be the sweet, popular girl with the great stylish clothes and good grades. I wanted the teachers to like me. I wanted my family to like me. I wanted to be loved and understood, encouraged and supported. I wanted to be allowed to be on sports teams again, because I was a great athlete. But I was no longer welcome because for the first time I was attending a school that would count you out if your conduct was off hand, regardless of your grades, which were all right at the time. So I was left with no outlet and nothing to fill my free time. I could no longer hang out with the jocks because I wasn’t a part of a team. I wanted to be someone with a bright, successful future. I was having the time of my life, with no clue that I was my own worst enemy, destroying my soul.

This is who I was, I didn't know how to be someone else. I would think that maybe God would send an angel in disguise to save me. I must be important to God, right? He knows my heart, I’ve been told. So where is he? I’m just a kid with no direction. I must be worth something to Him.