Life as I know it has changed. I have changed. And it's wonderful.
It took me a minute to realize how wonderful it actually was, because when things start to change without my consent I tend to resist because I fear the unknown.
I have had many challenges in the last year but I have been able to prove to myself once again, that I still have what it takes to get through the stickiness and interruptions that change our lives forever. I get to come out the other side and see that everything is still okay. I''m still here. And this is always the way it is, but I tend to forget that it always works out when I am in the midst of the confusion and treading unfamiliar territory.
I am definitely not through it all the way, but the fog has cleared a bit and I have had the revelation that I am just being brought to a new chapter in life.
My life is a series of comedy'/tragedy events and I am a willing participant to play the role of the comedy/tragedy actress. When I am going through a particularly scary and trying time, I tend to surround myself with people that don't take themselves too seriously and we laugh A LOT. We make fun of the situation, we laugh about what a drama queen and a psycho I can be at times, we reenact the situations over and over and imitate people (me) and literally fall on the floor laughing and crying.
I started school again last year and my grandmother passed the second week of school. Then my son got into some serious legal trouble that took up a lot of my time, energy and money. It made it hard to focus on classes but it's getting easier. When my finals and the end of school came up, my grandfather passed, and he was my hero, my favorite person ever, but it was time. He had a full wonderful life and left a lot of great things behind. He helped many people and always lived in love and service in his very matter of fact, no bullshit, Italian way. Then we ran into serious financial difficulty so we had to make some hard choices there but we are relieved now. There were many silly little things that happened in between, like animals being sick and having surgeries and basements flooding and pipes backing up, holiday get togethers and pissed off family members, but noting we couldn't handle.
I thrive under pressure, it's when I am at my best. But when it all starts to calm down, that's when it hits me. All the emotion comes to the forefront. All of the stuff that I had no time to deal with comes up and greets me like an old friend with it's hand extended. I know what's coming, I've been here before, so I give myself time to cry and grieve and do what's necessary for myself. And then a sense of gratitude comes over me and I know I am going to have to get to know myself once again, because none of us can go through life changing events without being unchanged ourselves. This is where I have the choice to look back and learn or be bitter about how I never seem to get a break. But the truth of the matter is, I get A LOT of breaks. Even though they may be small, they make a huge difference.
I am getting more comfortable in my new environment; my new life. School is more fun now and not so stressful and I am making new friends. My son is getting ready for his one year term at Second City in the Improv. Program, our financial situation is getting a bit more freed up, and all of this has resulted in an abundance of ideas for stories.
I have more of an idea than I have ever had about where I want to go in life and it is freeing but at the same adds a bit of stress. But good stress.
I have finished my first draft and am "shelving" it for now because it's not what I want it to be yet and it's time to put it aside. It is a relief to let it go. I am working on something new though. I have something that resembles an outline and random ideas jotted down. But this time I am allowing time for it to marinade.
I have also exacted the area of law that I want to work in and it feels like a missing piece of the puzzle. I don't know that it will be possible right out of school but it's a definite goal. Capital cases is where it's at for me, on the defending side of course.
The fact that I know winter is coming to an end soon helps immensely with my attitude though. The cold and gray brings me down further and further each year. Once my daughter graduates from high school, I'm outta here. I'm going some place where it's warm all year. The other thing is that I have set things up so that I have stuff to look forward to. Without that, life is really meaningless. I have to have things to look forward to and be excited about. As I'm sure we all need that.
My husband and I are now officially hill-billies; we brought my Harley into the house so we can work on it for the remainder of the winter. It gets too cold in the garage and having those heaters blowing freaks me out because I have this irrational fear of fire.
It took me a minute to realize how wonderful it actually was, because when things start to change without my consent I tend to resist because I fear the unknown.
I have had many challenges in the last year but I have been able to prove to myself once again, that I still have what it takes to get through the stickiness and interruptions that change our lives forever. I get to come out the other side and see that everything is still okay. I''m still here. And this is always the way it is, but I tend to forget that it always works out when I am in the midst of the confusion and treading unfamiliar territory.
I am definitely not through it all the way, but the fog has cleared a bit and I have had the revelation that I am just being brought to a new chapter in life.
My life is a series of comedy'/tragedy events and I am a willing participant to play the role of the comedy/tragedy actress. When I am going through a particularly scary and trying time, I tend to surround myself with people that don't take themselves too seriously and we laugh A LOT. We make fun of the situation, we laugh about what a drama queen and a psycho I can be at times, we reenact the situations over and over and imitate people (me) and literally fall on the floor laughing and crying.
I started school again last year and my grandmother passed the second week of school. Then my son got into some serious legal trouble that took up a lot of my time, energy and money. It made it hard to focus on classes but it's getting easier. When my finals and the end of school came up, my grandfather passed, and he was my hero, my favorite person ever, but it was time. He had a full wonderful life and left a lot of great things behind. He helped many people and always lived in love and service in his very matter of fact, no bullshit, Italian way. Then we ran into serious financial difficulty so we had to make some hard choices there but we are relieved now. There were many silly little things that happened in between, like animals being sick and having surgeries and basements flooding and pipes backing up, holiday get togethers and pissed off family members, but noting we couldn't handle.
I thrive under pressure, it's when I am at my best. But when it all starts to calm down, that's when it hits me. All the emotion comes to the forefront. All of the stuff that I had no time to deal with comes up and greets me like an old friend with it's hand extended. I know what's coming, I've been here before, so I give myself time to cry and grieve and do what's necessary for myself. And then a sense of gratitude comes over me and I know I am going to have to get to know myself once again, because none of us can go through life changing events without being unchanged ourselves. This is where I have the choice to look back and learn or be bitter about how I never seem to get a break. But the truth of the matter is, I get A LOT of breaks. Even though they may be small, they make a huge difference.
I am getting more comfortable in my new environment; my new life. School is more fun now and not so stressful and I am making new friends. My son is getting ready for his one year term at Second City in the Improv. Program, our financial situation is getting a bit more freed up, and all of this has resulted in an abundance of ideas for stories.
I have more of an idea than I have ever had about where I want to go in life and it is freeing but at the same adds a bit of stress. But good stress.
I have finished my first draft and am "shelving" it for now because it's not what I want it to be yet and it's time to put it aside. It is a relief to let it go. I am working on something new though. I have something that resembles an outline and random ideas jotted down. But this time I am allowing time for it to marinade.
I have also exacted the area of law that I want to work in and it feels like a missing piece of the puzzle. I don't know that it will be possible right out of school but it's a definite goal. Capital cases is where it's at for me, on the defending side of course.
The fact that I know winter is coming to an end soon helps immensely with my attitude though. The cold and gray brings me down further and further each year. Once my daughter graduates from high school, I'm outta here. I'm going some place where it's warm all year. The other thing is that I have set things up so that I have stuff to look forward to. Without that, life is really meaningless. I have to have things to look forward to and be excited about. As I'm sure we all need that.
My husband and I are now officially hill-billies; we brought my Harley into the house so we can work on it for the remainder of the winter. It gets too cold in the garage and having those heaters blowing freaks me out because I have this irrational fear of fire.
