Study, Study, Study...

Hi guys! Checking in once again. How is everyone? I would like everyone to know that I have been pounding away at the keyboard writing my arse off. But sadly, it hasn't been on my book. I have been required to write an article every week for my English Comp. class in addition to an essay each month. I am currently working on my last one. It's a literary analysis essay and I have never read more short stories in my life than I am now. I also have a 15 page dissertation due in less than a month for my psychology class and the the topic is serial killers. Ooooo, I'm looking forward to this one.

Although this hasn't been preferred writing material, I have learned a lot in the past few months. Not saying my writing is any better, but my mind is. There is something to be said for ignorance though. When I don't know the rules, I tend to be more carefree and uninhibited. Once I know the rules, I get somewhat paralyzed and tend to over analyze everything, question everything and think for everyone else. And the worst thing of all is, once you know something, you can't not know. But I am writing, writing, writing.

My semester ends in the middle of December and I will have an entire month off before the next semester begins, so hopefully I will be more available here. I miss this terribly. I stop by your blogs and read what's going on and it's great to see that mostly everyone is still up and running.

Reading is something I have been doing a lot of lately too. I am reading a few books that I had missed in high school. I was busy doing other things so I'm playing catch up now. I have never read To Kill A Mockingbird so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I know it may disappoint and shock a few of you (okay, most of you) to know that I have never read this fine piece of literature, but I'm doing it now, so please stop throwing tomatoes at me. Next on the list is George Orwell's 1984.

If anyone has short story suggestions for me to do my literary essay on, I would love to hear from you. If not, I'd love to hear from you anyway.

In my free time, I am going to the courthouse to sit in on murder cases going on in the neighborhood.  It's not only good to do since I will be a lawyer's right hand woman in the near future, but it has given me some great character ideas and story lines that I promise to share with you eventually. By the way, just in case you guys didn't know, justice is so unjust sometimes and logic is not logical. Go figure.

~Live Happy

I think my brain is melting

Happy Tuesday to all my wonderful friends. It is Tuesday right? Well, I think I jinxed myself by talking about my neighbors because since I posted that it's been cold and rainy here. No opportunities to even sit outside in my lush-ness. I have been pent up inside my house for a few days now and not very happy about it.

I do my best to keep my spirits up but the weather really affects me. I just read a blog that had an interesting way to keep her juices flowing and I seriously think I'm going to try it. She listens to music and keeps glow sticks around the house. If you have to ask what the glow sticks are for, let's just skip it.

I have also been reading another blog lately and she breaks writing down into such simple steps that it actually makes it enjoyable to try these new ideas.  The newbies should check it out or maybe those of you that are looking for something new.

I have started to kind of revise my WIP only because I became stuck. Stuck for too long. I felt that I was far enough through to go back to the beginning to do some editing and revising. Besides, what did I have to lose? It has helped to get me excited again and I've changed things up just a bit. I swear it feels like this thing is never going to be finished.But I will persevere no matter.

Yesterday was a blow off. I had nothing. I mean n-o-t-h-i-n-g! So I decided to paint. I had to force myself through the resistance. I am so glad I did though because I love what I did to the box yesterday. And as a result I got a well spring of ideas. Unfortunately not for writing but enough to finish this piece.

I'm finding this is usually what happens to me. I get excited and things are flowing and I am able to write and write and write. Then...I run out ink or something. And then I check my e-mails obsessively to see if anyone has sent me anything new, or I check to see if anyone critiqued my chapter, or to see if I have any new followers and when I find nothing, I get a tad bummed. My head can take me to strange and daunting places sometimes. I'm just sayin'.

I am also reading piles upon piles of books. I'm reading to read, but I'm also reading to learn about structure. This was suggested to me by a fellow blogger and probably my best internet friend (Terry), so I have been making notes in my books and highlighting like crazy. Oh well, I guess it can't be fun all the time...

Addiction to reading and writing

Here's the thing. I can't seem to stop compartmentalizing my life. I am calling this WIP fiction because it is based on my life and if my memory serves me correctly, it doesn't serve me correctly. Everything I am writing is based on my truth to the best of my ability and perception. Perception is a tricky thing as I'm sure you all know.

I have four separate documents going, they are all the different phases of  my life and then there's Shay.
My life really did go in phases as I look back. Each and every one of them was a life time. I have been to the dark side, the very dark side and I found my way out. And the funny thing about that is, I didn't even know it was bad until I started crawling out of the muck. I lose my breath sometimes when I think about it. For the grace of...

Anyway, I am at the B&N right now posting this. My intention was to pick up Bird by Bird and here I sit with four books in front of me. Now, I have four at home to read, one of which I am a beta for and it is top priority. I will not touch read any other book until TDYDK is finished. I promise.

I am usually pretty good about writing down the books I have found that I want and purchasing only one from the bookstore. I then go home and buy them from Amazon or B&N because I can read the purchased book while I am waiting for the others to ship. This time I can't. I have to have these books.  I own the Stephen King: On Writing Horror, but now I want On Writing.Why? Because I started to read the first few pages and realized how similar our lives were in some areas. And he's one of my favorites. The other one is also by Stephen King, Bag of Bones. I keep hearing about this book and how good it is. There it was sitting on the shelf waiting for me to pick it up and take it home. How could I resist?

I'm not buying the other one, so it's not even worth mentioning.

I have been able to write about 3,000 words so far this week. It wears on me to recollect a lot of my past so I have been fairly easy on myself this week. Even though I can't decide exactly how I am going to present this piece of mine I am writing.

That's it for now. I'll post more later. Maybe.

Love you guys.

~Live Happy

Visions and Laughter

Have you guys ever been in the middle of a conversation with someone when out of nowhere you have a vision of just whipping an apple at their head? Or while they're talking to you and nibbling on something, just walking over with a dead pan expression and slapping their stupid little treat right out of their hand? Well, I do. This happens to me quite often.

When this happens, I can't help but to burst out laughing and then I'm sure you can picture the look on someone's face while in the midst of their story, I just begin to giggle uncontrollably. I actually have to make myself concentrate at times so that these images don't interrupt what I am doing in the moment. The best is when I'm alone and this happens. Then I laugh even harder when I hear my own laughter and realize I'm by myself laughing my ass off. (Please don't commit me).

Well, both of my children have the same idiosyncrasy. My daughter and I were sitting at McDonald's innocently eating our Big Mac's when a guy walked by our table and my daughter just broke out in hysterics, which made me do the same. When she could catch her breath enough she began to tell me that as the guy was walking by, she said, "Wouldn't it be funny if he just took our Big Mac's and threw them on the floor and kept walking?"  We laughed so hard tears came to our eyes. And my laugh is one that causes my body to jerk uncontrollably, rock back and forth and you can hear it from across the street. Periodically throughout the day this image will flash through our minds and we crack up again.

It could happen at any time, anywhere and out of nowhere, I just laugh. The people who know me, know what's going on and I'm sure it might be quite embarrassing at times for them but it's a curse I (we) have to live with. And they have learned not to ask, "What?" because it takes me a good hour to explain what I just saw due to a lack of oxygen and ongoing bouts of laughter.

I used to enjoy this affliction before I realized that most people don't find it as humorous as I do when I try and explain the picture. "Whipping an apple at someone's head? My gosh, they could be seriously hurt," someone might say to me. Then of course I feel like an evil soul that has come to roam the earth for an eternity of obscene visions and twisted laughter.

Sadly enough, it even happens to me at funerals which I won't go into here. I'm sure you can come up with your own scenarios, which would make you agree with most people in  my life saying that I have a sick sense of humor.

But now, I guess it's not a curse after all, someone has sent me a girl and a boy who can enjoy these little glimpses of hilarity with me. YAY!

~Live Happy

Oh, and so far this week I have cranked out an estimate of 8,000 words. I'm finding that I am going back trying to remember who had green eyes and who had blue or if they are returning the keys or the gun. And every now and then Shay and Jake will carry on their own little conversation that doesn't quite go along with the plan I had for them but I'm going with it.

For now, I'll just write and edit later.

As far as my painting goes, I spent all week trying to find the right red. I also bought myself some pastels. WooHoo! Oh how I love pastels. I tend to draw on my walls every now and then so I figure the non-oil-based pastels would be best for washing off if necessary. Dave thinks the stick figure with big hair walking across our living room wall on a tight rope is kind of dumb, but I like it.

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The Book

As I have mentioned before, I am writing a book and I am realizing how emotionally draining it is. I have been sitting on it for quite some time because it is a sad but triumphant story. In writing the sad parts I become emotionally drained. I am so wrapped up in the main character, that I'm sad for her and I can't believe that she has come through these things. At times I get a tightness in my chest and am ridden with anxiety. I just want the good stuff to come for already. I sat on this story for so long because I have wanted to put a humorous twist on it or something other than sad, but this is the story that's here. She is the character that lives with me right now and she won't seem to go away. So I almost feel as if I have finally given in to tell her story.

Is it normal to go through these emotions and be so enmeshed in the character? I am afraid something in my brain is going to snap and I'll be lost forever. If there is anyone out there who has experience with this, I would love to hear from you.
Thanks.

NaBloPoMo

Okay, so I guess it's national blog posting month? I just found this out and I am utterly unprepared. I have been working all day and just let the blogging world pass me by today. So this is my post: It's 11pm, I've been staring at this fucking computer all day and I can hear my heartbeat thumping in my head. I sit up straight and get stiff so I hunch a little, then I have to pee, then the dog wants to go out, then my phone rings and I go back to the bright white light that is the computer screen and I sit up straight, start to get stiff and hunch a little... Vodka?

Taking Care of Ourselves

With the hustle and bustle each day demands, we barely have time for ourselves. We need to make ourselves the most important person in our own lives. If we are exhausted and stressed out there is no possible way we can meet our full potential. How can we be there to the fullest for others if we aren't there for ourselves? I assure you , there IS enough time in the day, no matter what, to take care of you! If you are the most important person to you everyday when you wake up and every night when you go to sleep, you would be amazed at the transformation that takes place. Yes, in the beginning it takes effort to take care of yourself if your not used to it. Just do it one day at a time. Don't worry about any other day except the one that your in. Different things work for different people depending on your lifestyle, your personality, your work and the people in your life. It was a challenge for me at first because my children were small at the time that I had made the decision to be just as important as everyone else. I had plenty of excuses, but when it came down to it, I realized that making myself important and meeting my own needs and sometimes wants, my children will learn to do the same for themselves. They watch me love and respect myself and they will do the same. Maybe not right away, but I believe that it will eventually kick in. They too have their own story to create and it may not be the one I wrote for them, but that's okay. All I want for my children is for them to be happy. And remember, happiness is not a destination, happiness is a state of being that we can choose at any time. It is quite difficult to maintain at all times, as I have not yet achieved. Very far from it as a matter of fact. It has been beneficial to find good reading material about these topics so that I didn't feel like it was impossible or that I was the only one.
As humans, we have emotions and then we have the mind that tells us things that just aren't true. It's important to know the difference and it will come with time if the effort is made. It's crucial to feel our feelings. Not think about them, but feel them. Close your eyes when you are feeling something uncomfortable and visualize that place of pain in your body and just be with it. DO NOT think about it, just feel it. The thoughts carry us into a dark place. A place that isn't even real, but we can make it real by thinking about it, beating ourselves up over it and worrying about it. Then we are not capable of being loving to our loved ones and they don't deserve that and neither do you.
Acknowledge that those feelings exist, feel them and let them go. Your feelings will not kill you if you feel them. When we suppress our emotions they don't go away. We know this. What happens to them? They grow and grow and grow until every little thing bothers us and stresses us out. When we are in that place we are no fun to be around. Even if we think we're holding it together and hiding it, we're not! People sense this kind of stuff and it makes them uneasy. Especially children. Think about the last time you were around someone when something was bothering them. Could you tell?
Here is a list of things I do to bring myself to a place of peace, (as much as I can anyway) on a daily basis. I like to do some things right when I wake up so that I can be willingly available to whatever or whomever may need me throughout the day. I may need to take small pockets of time through the day to readjust. The escalator will move whether I'm on it or not.

• I write. Sometimes free writing, which is not thinking, just moving my pen on the page without stopping for a period of time. Sometimes I give myself three minutes, ten minutes, three pages, and so-on. This helps clear my mind of mischief. I also keep a journal.
• Meditation. Sometimes a walking meditation, sometimes sitting. Quietly, to music, in the bath with candles and incense, or a guided meditation tape helps me. There are many ways.
• Manicures and pedicures. If I can't afford to go to the salon, I take time for myself at home and everyone in the house knows it's my time and not to disturb me. (Unless of course it's an emergency).
• I take ten minute walks a couple of times a day. (There is always time for a ten minute walk!) Move!
• I drink plenty of water
• Yoga. Great for relaxing and getting in the moment. Not to mention, great for the body.
• I read inspirational writings wherever I can find them.
• Positive Affirmations. Yes, it felt silly at first, but I would write them to fit what I wanted for myself and it started to feel better. Turn the negative into positive.
  
• Visualization. I would visualize what I wanted my life to be and sometimes that makes me smile. Smiling heals. Visualizing is a powerful thing. If we put our emotions into it, we will notice positive change. After all, that is our goal.

Some of the authors and books I found helpful to my new found self:

• Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love
• Don Miguel Ruiz- The Four Agreements, The Mastery of Love
• Louise L. Hay - You Can Heal Your Life
• Iyanla Vanzant - Yesterday I cried, In the Meantime
• Oriah Mountain Dreamer - The Dance, The Invitation
• Paul Ferrini - Love Without Conditions, Dancing With The Beloved
• Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way

I could go on and on, but these are the ones that really carried me through some significant transformations in my life without going insane. I applied what I was learning in these readings to every situation I could. It was the only way to change my life. I learned that I had to change my thought process. Not an easy task, but obtainable with consistency. It's also amazing that when we are trying to make a positive change, how many opportunities life throws our way to be able to apply our new practices. Remember, practice makes perfect! (But not over night).;)