I understand that many of you may have given up on me and I completely understand. I hope you can forgive my absence and come back as I had to undergo a major surgery. A delicate procedure in which my head had to be removed from my ass.
It requires total seclusion and darkness as the light can be blinding at first. ;)
I came to yet another realization that I wasn't getting out nearly enough and I found myself wondering why opportunities weren't being presented to me. I was putting in so much effort and trying so hard, but I was doing it all from behind the keyboard in cyberspace.
There is something to be said for actual face to face communication with humans and getting out in the world. I had to put down the laptop and the cell phone and start mingling with the people again.The only company I had for a long time was myself and after a while my thoughts can get quite bleak and the inspiration and passion runs dry when I have nothing to feed off of.
I love getting out and watching people and talking with people. Any people, especially the homeless. They are so interesting and it's amazing to hear about the life they used to have and it's so hard to imagine that they themselves at one time had a Harley and a home and a family and a job, but shit happens and now all they care about is getting thirty-seven cents and a smoke. Something shifted that made them feel hopeless and the downhill trek started with their thoughts.
I stopped seeing opportunities because my expectations got out of control. For instance, I would see a dime on the ground and I wouldn't pick it up because it wasn't enough. I needed more than a dime to help me out. And I figured someone else could use it more than me. With that kind of attitude, that's exactly what happened. Someone else would eventually pass by, pick it up and now they have the luck and the gratitude. And the dime. And really, I did need it, that's why it was there.
I started to form these visions in my head of what I wanted and made lists of things that I'd like in my future. I was so intent on those things and my expectations grew bigger than my house, so much so that I lost sight of the fact that I love not knowing. I love just enjoying each day and whatever it has to bring. I like surprises. I enjoy things much more when I have no idea formed because I like the unexpected. I am spontaneous by nature.
I stopped seeing the little things because I became obsessed with the big things and forgot that the little things lead to the big things. I became drained and empty and it felt as if my life was spinning out of control, and it was. I couldn't see what was happening because I was too focused. I know that might sound strange to some of you but I ended up with tunnel vision as a result. I was like those horses you see on the road with the blinders on. They can only see what's in front of them. Their peripheral vision is taken from them. They can see nothing except what lies straight ahead. Well, that's not good for me. I miss too much. That's where all the action is, on the sidelines in our peripheral vision.
This is what I have come to. I have taken the scary step of enrolling full time in school to get my degree. It haunts me regularly not to have a degree. I have no idea how I am going to afford it but I'll never find out until I try. I know that when we open ourselves up to possibilities, the possibilities come. Maybe not the way we want them to, maybe it will just be a dime on the street, but I can tell you from now on, I'm picking it up.
I've also realized that I used to rely on this cliche, Just Show Up. Just show up and opportunities may present themselves. Well, it's not just showing up. We have to show up with willingness, open mindedness and a good attitude. If we just show up and were not open to all possibilities, chances are we will miss something great. If we show up with an idea of what we want to get out of something, we may miss a different opportunity that we weren't even expecting.
I love the little things, I love saying yes to things that weren't expected, I like taking risks and trying something new. I've lost sight of all of this and become rigid and un~fun. I'm ready to enjoy the simple stuff again.
This does not mean that I'm quitting writing. I love writing and I will continue to do so. I love the relationships that have come into my life as a result of this blog. But there may be a possibility that I will have to financially care for my kids well into their adult lives. Well, one of my kids anyway. And college for them is going to be quite expensive so I need a financial back up.
I never got a degree because I've never had the money or the time. I was always too busy just working any job that would pay the bills and taking care of my kids. Now I have the time, not the money but the time. I could use the excuse forever that I don't have the money, but with that attitude I will prove myself right and I'll never have the money.Besides, I'm really excited about going back to school and getting and actual degree in a specialized study. I feel like a little kid.
So here goes, I'll jump off the cliff and build my wings on the way down.
~Live Happy
