This is all based on my own experience living my life and learning. I am no doctor, I have no PhD., I’m not a counselor or anything close. These are my own personal truths.
There are two basic emotions; Fear and Love. Every other emotion is a derivative of these two. When I am in a state of mind where I am overreacting to something I have to stop and ask myself, What am I afraid of? When I am feeling the need to control everything around me, this a sign that I myself, am out of control. Anxiety, panic, anger, it’s all derived from fear and it all starts with my thoughts.
When we think something, we create emotion in ourselves, which then leads to action, which is in accordance to our thoughts and emotions. This is how we create our own reality.
When we are thinking about something that someone else did, we are then creating an emotion to that thought. Then we want to blame the other person for what is happening, whether it be positive or negative. When in reality we need to change our thoughts; our perception of things.
Nothing anyone does is about us. Nothing you do is about anyone else. Yes, it all starts with the way we were programmed as kids. When I am having a bad reaction to my husband not calling when he said he would, it is related to a past experience. Whether it be a prior bad relationship or some sort of abandonment in my childhood. Then I pour all of this stuff onto my dear husband. My mind goes to bad places. Many different scenarios cross my mind before the uh-oh, Is he okay?, question pops into my mind. Either way, I’m pissed, which is fear. It doesn’t matter what he is doing, what matters is how I’m reacting to it. Is my fearful reaction going to make things better? Absolutely not! In fact it could create my fears to come true. Because now, when he comes home, I’m angry and yelling. Now, who wants to come home to that? What good, healthy, trustworthy man would want to deal with a lunatic?
I have to realize that I can control anyone but myself. I can let him know how I feel about him not calling, but then it’s up to him after that. If I say it again, now I’m being controlling, because he heard me the first time. I have to allow him to make his own choice after I am honest with him. Then I will make a choice as a result of his choice, what ever that may be.
When I’m in a situation where my thoughts get crazy, I stop. What am I afraid of? And then I have to remember that he is none of those people. And really, by reacting badly, we give all of our power over to the one we are mad at and they are in control of us. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t want anyone controlling me.
It’s the same with my children. My son has been my greatest teacher on this subject. He would do something, I react out of fear, fear that he’s making the wrong choices and going in a bad direction. This started when he was little. As a result, I pushed him further and further away from me. Instead of being understanding and allowing him to make his own mistakes, I wanted to control everything. Well, I controlled him right out the door. He went to live with his dad. Now, my daughter and I have a different relationship. I’m a pretty quick study, so I took responsibility for my part with my son and did not repeat them with my daughter. Although I am sure I am making different mistakes with her. It’s how we learn. We have to trust people enough, especially those that we have allowed so closely into our lives, to make their own choices that are best for them. Not what is easiest for us. What they do is absolutely none of our business. What I do is what my business is. All I can do is love these people. And love is not yelling, or controlling, manipulating or untrusting. Love is allowing people to be exactly who they are; accepting them as is. But I have found that that is hard to do when I haven’t accepted myself. When I am happy with myself and feel good, I find that my reactions are much better and I am more understanding. As soon as I am feeling an emotion that makes me feel bad, I know that means I am out of sync. It’s not them, it’s me.
I have had to train myself to think differently. When a thought comes in that I know is going to create chaos and makes me feel bad, it’s not a right thought. I have to find the positive thought. I’m not talking about burying what comes up. I’m talking about facing it and dealing with the problem and knowing that it all starts and ends with ourselves.
I remember when I was a teenager, my mom would always say to me, “Why are you doing this to me?” I would repeatedly tell her, “I’m not doing anything to you!” Nothing I did was about her. She thought I was doing this just to make her life miserable. That wasn’t the case. I was doing things in response to my perception of things. By my mother constantly making everything about her, I was ignored. My thoughts, my feelings, and the real reason to why I was doing the things I was doing was not acknowledged. Now, as I grew up, I realized that she had her own set of issues, but by her not being honest with herself and taking responsibility for her own shit, she put it on me.
I remembered this when I had children and I always knew they weren’t doing anything TO ME. I could have made it about me if I wanted to but that would have solved nothing. What they do is about them, their perception of things. It is important that we ask them why they are doing what they are doing. We need to keep it on them and not make it about us. We can sit and listen to what they are saying and then try to help. We, as parents, are there to teach them to see things through the eyes of love. If we don’t see things that way, then we can’t teach them that. We can only teach them what we know. But we have to do what we know, because they follow by example, not what we say. This is why it’s so important to learn how to do that. So we have to think of them and ask what is going on with them. Can we help in any way?
When I am at odds with everyone and everyone is irritating me, again, I know, it’s me.
When we have the ability to come from a place of love, it has nothing to do with anyone else. It is because we love ourselves in that moment. When we come from a place of fear, it has nothing to do with anyone else. This is because we are not loving ourselves in this moment. The same is true for every individual. No one can make us happy or mad. This only happens when we allow them to. I know for myself I don’t want anyone having that type of control over me. I create my own happiness and my anger. Not all the time, but I practice and that’s what counts.
How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice.
