A Muse In My Pocket

A dragonfly symbolizes change and transformation. It also symbolizes power, agility, poise and the ability to look beyond the surface. Dragonflies live fast and furiously in the moment, therefore they do it all.

When I first began to blog, my motives were much different than they are today. Today I am just looking to connect. I have found through this blog, that there are so many supportive, encouraging, wonderful people out there that are working towards their dreams and accomplishing goals one at a time. It feels like were trudging through together, making the tough times a bit easier for each other, and it's nice to have people that are cheering for you and along for the ride in a cyberspace sort of way. It's also comforting to know that I'm not alone. It has surpassed anything that I could have imagined. Honestly.

At first, I didn't know what to expect, but what I found was some really great friendships and I know I will meet some of you someday. (We should all plan a get together somewhere for a weekend, and then we can call it a reunion when we do it every year. Food for thought).Yes, I am a dreamer and slightly delusional.

I have many great friends that I see and socialize with on a regular basis, but there's something about getting to know people around the world and finding out that human emotion is the same everywhere. It's nice to experience a global common bond between people. For whatever reason that's kind of intriguing to me. Anyway, I'll get on with my post and stop with the sappy shit.

Many of you may or may not know that I am a recovering drug addict of over ten years. This may help you to understand some of my fears and my irrational feelings of being 'less than' sometimes, although I'm sure that many people go through that from time to time, even if they have never been addicted to drugs.

So for those of you who have read prior posts of me struggling through school (and life), this may offer some insight as to why. I paid no attention in school when I was younger and I was always in trouble. I had gone to rehab twice during my high school days, and the school in rehab is equivalent to daycare. Upon my release from rehab, I was expelled from my "regular" high school and was sent to an academy that I was soon kicked out of. A high school and two academies later, I finally found one that I could stick with. Don't get me wrong, I was determined to graduate and receive a high school diploma, after all I was pregnant, and how would I find a good job without a high school diploma?

Needless to say, I didn't learn much from books throughout my school career. I have no idea how I graduated, but I went straight from that into single motherhood. Talk about hindsight... It's somewhat comical when I look back on those years and see how absolutely dumb I was, but thought at the time that I had it all figured out.

For the last ten years, I have worked tremendously hard on changing. I was involved in a twelve step program and it was a wonderful beginning for me. It taught me many things that I missed out on growing up; coping with my own feelings, kindness, understanding, compassion, empathy, self-acceptance and many other useful principles. I also learned that it takes a long, long time to clean up the past in order to change the future, and that some of the damage cannot be undone. That is what I struggle with more than anything. My children are affected by the bad choices I've made in the past and suffer the consequences of my behavior.

As a result, I work double time trying to be a good example and spend quality time with them, which does take time, energy and patience; especially because they are 19 and 14 and have their own personalities, interests and lives now.

I also understand that it couldn't be any different. I did the best that I could with what I knew. I don't waste time wishing I would have done things differently because I couldn't have. I just know that I do things differently now.

I have also been allowed to live the sad, dirty, dingy, chaotic side of life and come out of it alive. I was then able to experience the resiliency of the human body and mind. I have seen homeless junkies who couldn't string a sentence together, turn their lives around and become social, happy and employable. If they can do it, anyone can.

I have learned to love the process. I know that when I am going through a rough patch, that it will eventually pass and as much as I want to know what lesson there is to be learned from a heartbreaking experience, I know that I won't know until it's long behind me. I have learned to accept this, but not always with grace. I wouldn't change one experience that I've had even if I could, because it made me who I am today, and it makes me want to be more than I am now.

Until later,
~Live Happy