Letting go and being grateful

I know it's been a while. Last week I took the time to distance myself from writing. Lately I have been questioning what I am meant to do. I won't bore you with the story of my life, but I used to believe that I could achieve my dreams if I tried hard enough. Two years ago I decided to commit myself fully to my dreams. I grew tired of working job after job that stole my soul. I have many certifications and licenses but no 'real' degree. I hated school while growing up and I couldn't fathom the idea of another four years of the same thing. Especially repeating alot of the classes that I had taken for twelve years of my life. It seemed pointless, senseless and a huge waste of time and money to take math, english, science and any of the gen ed. classes. It also seemed pointless to go to classes that didn't pertain to the field. I still feel this way. I was a young single mother and didn't have all that extra time and money to obtain a degree.


Now that my children are pretty much self-sufficient and have their own lives I decided to take the time to chase my dream. I was done having a job just to pay the bills and survive. To me that is not living. It has been two years since I made that decision active. I was the frog that actually jumped off of the log. The first year was alot of research and learning. This last year has been spent putting myself out there, making myself available and writing everyday. I have struggled but taken all the action that I possibly can and it is proving to be unfruitful. I am out of time, money and self-esteem.

Last week I took a break from writing as I said earlier. I still read because I love reading but I took care of the spring cleaning and built some flower boxes and bought some new lovely tropical plants for the yard. Money I truly didn't have to spend mind you but it was worth it. I heaved piles of dirt and river rock all day Saturday and it was wonderful. I have been running everyday on the treadmill and reading while doing so. It's amazing how that passes the time. I have prayed and meditated endlessly all week hoping something would come to me, some answers about what I am supposed to be doing. I journal every morning and walk my dog everyday. I get my children where they need to go and encourage them to follow their dreams.


As I did the things I needed to do last week I thought that I might be inspired or something might come to me through the back door. It didn't. Before I decided to take this break I was seriously questioning what I am doing. I have come to the realization that I  have a great life. I have two beautiful healthy children, I am about to marry the best man I have ever known in my life and I have a beautiful home and a motorcycle I have always wanted. I don't have many close friends by choice because I attract people that aren't capable of being honest and loyal, two qualities that I have and am very adamant about. I am also a firm believer in practicing what I preach. I don't ever suggest to anyone anything I haven't done or am not doing myself. I don't share about anything I have no experience with. So as I was encouraging my kids to follow their dreams and telling them they can do anything or be anything they want, I had to put that into action in my own life.

This has proven to be fruitless thus far. I also believe that if I am on the path to what I was meant to do that things will fall into place and opportunities will start to come. This has not happened and I think that two years is a long time to put effort into something with no return. Yes, I love writing, but simply loving writing doesn't pay the bills. All the years that I worked a 'real' job I did attempt to write on the side but it didn't allow much time for all of the other joys in my life so I put the writing away until two years ago. Working a forty hour a week job and then writing during my free time wasn't an option for me. Some people would then say, "Then I guess writing isn't that important to you." Well, then I guess not.

I was a hopeless junkie ten years ago when I decided I wanted to change my life. I got clean and got to work on myself. As I have progressed and matured I started to believe that I deserved to achieve my dreams. I began to dream and have long term goals. I started to believe it was possible to change the course of my life. I am easy to encourage because I am quite gullible.  I am also very proactive in my life's mission to become more of what I am.

After the way I have lived my life in the past, I have more than I deserve right now. I guess it's somewhat arrogant to think that I could actually love what I do and make a decent living at it. If I got what I deserved, I'd probably be dead. So I am working on accepting what I have and just being grateful for that. Things have not fallen into place and no opportunities have arose, so I am afraid that I will have to go back to a 'real' job and let go of my dreams.


When my kids point out the eight gray hairs that I have acquired recently, I tell them that I love my gray hair. They look at me as if I am an alien from another planet. I leave it at that with them but I know the truth and the truth is that I never thought I would make it to an age where I could actually have gray hair. Well, I have made it and that will have to be enough. I have a nice life. So what if I have to work for someone else helping them to achieve their dreams and goals. At least I am giving something back. 

I love the connections I have found here via the internet and I love doing this blog thing. Unfortunately I have not found the direction that I need to keep me going and moving forward in this endeavor.


I still plan on maintaining my blog here, I love you guys too much to leave and we'll see what happens. Hopefully I don't lose too many of you.

Acceptance

I have been reflecting on some recent behavior of mine and I have come to the conclusion that I am best suited to "do something" only if I want to. Not because I expect or hope for something in return. I have found it especially damaging to my self when I do something and expect the same in return (i.e., telling someone where I am going and when I'll be back and then actually be back at that time, if I am going to be late I call and let someone know, being where I say I will be when I say I will be there, etc...). I believe that these are all common courtesies, but not everyone believes that. The most important thing for me is to not take their actions personally.
I have also found it more peaceful and sane to say something once or ask for something once and then leave it alone! If the other person does not want to give what I have asked for then I need to accept that or move on; but it is never wise to ask again. They heard us the first time.
If we accept people just the way they are then we can accept ourselves just they way we are. We cannot change people. People will change if they want to and even then it is a difficult task.
If we do not like someones behavior, we don't have to have them in our lives. But to expect them to change to make us more comfortable is not a right that we reserve.
If you ask someone for something and they give it willingly and cheerfully, give thanks and appreciate it.
I am more comfortable being who I am when I allow others to be who they are.