Validation

Validation is probably the single most important thing you can do for someone’s self-esteem. (Even computers need validation now days).

There is something so powerful about someone paying attention to you and what you’re doing.

It takes just ONE person to bring out the best side of you. One person to say, “You’re doing a great job”, or “You do that really well”,” You have a beautiful smile”, “You’re great with people”, and the receiver of that validation will shine. They will do their best at whatever it is they are doing. It builds confidence.

Yes, I believe it is important to validate ourselves, but you know we ALL have that daunting little man that sits on a fragment of your brain with his legs crossed, swinging his foot and tapping his fingers on the amygdala, telling you what a loser you are and that you’re not good enough or that there’s no way you’ll accomplish what your trying to accomplish so you might as well just go to bed. At those times we need an outside voice to reassure us with sincerity that we are great at what we do and what we do matters to someone, especially you.

When someone is genuinely happy to see you, you’re happy to be seen.
When a person is praised they continue to do things that are praisable.
It doesn’t matter what it is your doing as long as you do your best.

I heard Suze Orman say, “If you make average great, your dreams will become a reality”. I was choked up for a moment after that filtered through my ears and my brain swirled the phrase around.

It is vital to humans to have support and encouragement from friends, family, even strangers. Imagine if we all chose one stranger to support and encourage without conditions…

Passing Judgment

Judgment:
1. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, esp. in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion
2. the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind

As humans we need to judge to a degree. It helps us to know if we are in a dangerous situation or around people that may affect our mental state or well being. It can be used to better our selves and those around us. It can be used to save our lives. It has many useful purposes. But when do we take it too far?
We all have a past and we have all done things that others may not approve of, but just because they don't approve doesn't mean it wasn't right for you at the time.
For instance, we may pass judgment on someone who uses drugs. But we have no idea what brought them there and what it's like to be them.
People perceive situations as their instincts tell them to and they internalize it.
Let's say we have siblings of the same gender and close in age. They grew up in an abusive environment. A parent is screaming and yelling at them about what horrible children they are. One can perceive and internalize this and agree with the parent believing they are useless and worthless and they grow up to be a drug addict. The other can perceive and internalize this and completely disagree with this parent and believe that the parent is the one who is useless and worthless because of this behavior and they grow up to be a human rights attorney for abused and neglected children.
Does the drug addict deserve to be condemned and the attorney praised? Absolutely not!
Some people need permission to be okay. Some people need to actually learn how to perceive things in a healthy, non-destructive way.

Judgment comes from a place of fear, fear of the unknown, sometimes healthy, sometimes not. It's good to remember that no one is better than or less than you, they have just come from a different place and they are surviving the best they know how. Judgment is used to separate, this is what keeps us from compassion.

When children are small and they are asked what they want to be when they grow up, the answer is not, a drug addict, or a prostitute, or a lifer at San Quentin. When people become these types of character, it didn't happen over night. There were red flags as they were growing up and if we could use our judgment in a productive, helpful way, many of us would be better off. But instead, some turn their heads, make a judgment and spread gossip about the situation. If you are looking down on someone, be sure it's because your reaching your hand down to help them up. 

Sometimes, you just gotta say...what the F*@#.

What happens when we no longer care what other people think of us?

I'll tell you what happens. We become FREE! Free to be ourselves. Free to please ourselves. Free to do what we want, when we want. Free to laugh at what we actually think is funny or not to laugh at what isn't. Free to have our own opinion on anything we want and voice it. Free to wear what we want. Free to just be...who we are. Free to choose who we want in our lives because we are more concerned with who we like as opposed to who likes us.Status no longer matters (which means more money in my pocket...well, maybe not). I buy things because I enjoy them, not because I have to one-up someone else. I can know that freelance writing IS a real job and not care what anyone thinks because I can travel wherever I want, whenever I want. 

Yes, there are things I do that I don't want to do, because if I don't do them I'll feel bad about myself. (See self-pity below). So in reality, I am still doing what I want. Try it. FREE YOURSELF!

I know I want to wear these shoes without the rivet digging into my little toe.

Overcoming Self-Pity. Is this you?

First off, let me define self-pity. A self-indulgent attitude concerning one's own difficulties, hardships, etc...
Also let me say, I have a long history of experience with this, going through it time to time myself and having people in my life that may have this defect. It is a very draining, high-maintenance relationship to be in.

Self-Pity can also be a martyr complex. The dictionary definition of martyr: besides allowing yourself to die as a result of your beliefs, which is actually metaphoric in this situation, it means, a person who is seeking sympathy or attention by feigning, or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc... Sounds so harsh I know, but it's what Webster says.
Keep in mind that any assessment done, should only be self-assessment. By assessing someone else, a great deal of harm can actually be done.  

If you find yourself feeling defensive while reading this, you might want to stop and think...
Usually when we are offended by something it's because we fear there might be some truth to it. Unless of coarse your narcissistic, then that's a blog of a different nature.;)

Self-Pity is an addiction. It is a 'mood altering' behavior. It numbs us out to reality by blaming everyone else for the condition that our life is in. It negates us from any responsibility for our lives. Those that are addicted to self-pity don't want to have to do any work to 'fix' their lives. They want no solutions. Misery is a way of life for them and they want you to do the work to make them feel better.
They play best with others who pity themselves also. Helpless victims, that want everyone to feel sorry for them.

Defense is a mechanism that is used to fend off any positive type of solution that might threaten the hopeless bubble they have entrenched themselves in. They want to be miserable and they want you to jump on that train with them (or in front of the train..., but not really). It is extremely difficult to have a relationship with this personality type (unless of course you indulge in self-pity, then you can have a competition about who's life is worse. What fun!). The constant negativity is quite draining, and having to be on alert as to when you might be sucked into the vortex of why me's?. If you do allow yourself to get sucked in, chances are you will be made responsible for the outcome of that particular event because you are not encouraging enough, sympathetic enough, giving good enough advice, etc... They also get upset when you refuse to get sucked in, because then you are not being supportive enough, so it's really a lose lose situation for both of you.

Another wonderful trait that goes with this as well is guilt slinging and manipulation. Whatever it takes to get your sympathy is a self fulfilling ritual for them. Putting effort into drawing people into their sickness is easier for them than putting that energy into taking responsibility for their own lives. It keeps them from pain that they might have to face if they took responsibility. Self-Pity does not draw people closer to you, it pushes people away. Self-Pity is a choice. You can never win with a self-pitier because they will have a 'yeah but...' for every solution you come up with. I was once told that, 'Yeah but...', is the mating call for assholes.
Another saying that comes to mind; 'If you sit on the pity pot too long, you'll get a ring around your ass!'
Self-Pity is one of the most unattractive personality traits that anyone can have. Self-Pity is very needy. To have someone feel sorry for you would mean that they think you can't make it. That's pathetic! I wouldn't want anyone to feel that way or think that of me. We are not victims. Stop giving your power away to everyone else! Do you really want to portray yourself as a helpless victim giving everyone else all that power over you? You get no respect that way. You have to respect yourself and be there for yourself before anyone else will. And I'm not talking about genuine sadness or grieving. Those emotions come from a different place. They come from our hearts and usually from a deep sense of loss. Self-Pity is completely different. Self-Pity comes from our minds, because we're thinking too much and not doing enough positive things for ourselves. The flip side of taking responsibility for yourself is quite empowering. It's empowering to know that you are in control of your own life. No one else gets to make you feel any way that you don't want to. Your life IS your creation whether you like it or not, own it or not, your life is your creation!

Signs of Self-Pity 

• You complain regularly about how miserable or bad your life is.
• You continually blame the past for your present.
• You are never the problem, everyone else is.
• You act as if the world, these people or situations owe you something.
• You constantly compare yourself to others.
• You have an excuse for not taking action to make your life better. Your excuse is usually because of someone or something else.
• You only see negativity.
• You feel lonely and like everyone is against you or never listens to you. You are never acknowledged.
• You're afraid of everything.
• You find yourself thinking or saying no one loves you or cares about you even though you have a lot of people in your life and talk to friends and family regularly.

I could go on and on, but deep down you know who you are. Self-Honesty is the most powerful weapon you have against this pathetic, life swallowing, intangible entity. Self-Pity keeps us separated from people, places, things you enjoy, your dreams and your power. It's all in your head. Get outta there!
Self-Pitying people are amongst the most powerless people I've ever met. And the great thing is you don't have to stay there. From this moment forward, take care of yourself, it's your absolute birth right to happy. When your sad or having a hard time, feel your feelings, feel sorry for yourself for an allotted amount of time and that's it! Move up and on! Don't stay stuck.

A Way Out

• Physical exercise (of course, consult a physician first)
• Become aware of when the self-pity happens. Learn to know when it's genuine sadness or when you are avoiding responsibility and trying to gain sympathy. (Self-Honesty). The moment you find yourself doing this, STOP! Don't give your power away like that! Come up with a positive affirmation such as, I AM capable of..., I can...
• Gratitude.Wake up with a sentence that begins with, I AM grateful for...then get up and make a gratitude list first thing. It doesn't matter if you don't want to, DO IT! Gratitude is very empowering as I've said before.
• Self-Honesty. Your most powerful and useful tool against the self-pity villain.
• Take positive action. Accomplish something. Set goals for yourself. Be productive daily. Keep learning new things. Face your fears. Nothing happens until you take action.
  
• STOP Blaming everyone else for your life! Make it great and own it! Remember, making mistakes is the way we learn.
• No more demands. Stop acting as if the world owes you something, because the truth is, you owe the world something. 
  
• Perception. Begin to understand that it is your perception that is distorted, not the world.
• Understand the Power of Choice. You always have one. You may not always like your chioces, but you do always have them. They get better, the more you practice positive action.
• Think Positive. If you are thinking negatively STOP! No matter what, negativity is never the right thought. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Only loving thoughts are allowed! Do something positive and esteemable for yourself when this happens. Turn it into a positive.
• Stop calling friends and family and complaining and whining about your life! Get some new material! 
• Practice talking positive. Talk about the good things in your life and things that make you happy. 

Yes, this may be awkward and uncomfortable at first. GOOOD! That means your practicing new behavior. You should be uncomfortable. Even new beautiful sweaters have to be broken in. The more you practice, the quicker you will become comfortable and the quicker your life will change. The more honest you are with yourself and the more effort you put in, the faster you'll see result. You will get out what you put into this. You are the one that you will ultimately hurt or help with this. People can tend to get wierd when we decide to change our behaviors, so beware and continue. Your life may be cleaned up of some old stagnate things, but it is only making room for new stuff.Good stuff.
That self-pity and negativity may get stronger at first and try to overcome the good your doing. This is normal. When we start trying to get better, the self-pity villain gets a little pissed off, but it's only temporary. It may take some time to feel continual relief. It didn't get this way over night so it won't change over night. Just keep on keepin' on. Don't get discouraged.

Self-Pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects that we know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of its inordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford.

A guy named "Bill"

Self-Pity is a death that has no resurrection, a sinkhole from which no rescuing hand can drag you because you have chosen to sink.

Elizabeth Elliot

Women and Happiness

There seems to be a debate going on about the state of mind that women are in today. Men are writing articles about studies done on womens happiness  and how it declines as we get older. Women are debating the fact that each woman has a choice and a possibility of women's rights backfiring. (And that men shouldn't be writing articles about the happiness and fulfillment of women).   
I have to say, women are very powerful creatures and if not used properly, we definitely have the power to bring ourselves down. I  believe that ego has taken over many women. I watch all of these shows and read articles about celebrities and they're really taking this power thing to the next level. We have nothing to prove ladies! We can be powerful and have humility. That is key in our fulfillment and happiness. Here's a story for you. I had four sheriff's knock on my door at four in the morning to ask about some disturbances in the neighborhood. Three of the sheriff's were men and one woman. I had dealt with two of the three men on a separate occasion and had never seen the woman before. First of all, the way she had banged on my door was totally uncalled for. Then, she hid along the side of my screen door with her back against the siding on the house, while the men stood in plain sight on my stoop. When I saw her peel herself off the cedar siding, it really creeped me out. She questioned me as if I was the offender. She was very rude and came on waaayy too strong. She treated me as if I was lying to her. I had no desire to cooperate after talking with her, not that I knew anything anyway, but if I did, I sure wouldn't tell someone like that. It disgusted me that she was acting this way, because all I could really think was, You are representing women and look how you're acting. As if she had something to prove because she was the only woman standing with three men.
Newsflash ladies in power; you can have it all but you don't have to be bitches about it. Being loud, obnoxious and pushy about the power you possess is not the way to go. It's actually quite unattractive and a warped sense of power. The women that truly possess power are the ones who don't have to scream about it, or make comments to the media, but just go ahead and make a difference in the world. We teach by living. You can stand for many things, but then go about it quietly. It defeats the purpose when you feel the need to prove yourselves and then scream about it on a mountain top. If you are truly powerful, people will just notice, you won't have to say a word. That's all for now.

Live Happy

P.S. Here's my new haircut.

                                          

Taking Care of Ourselves

With the hustle and bustle each day demands, we barely have time for ourselves. We need to make ourselves the most important person in our own lives. If we are exhausted and stressed out there is no possible way we can meet our full potential. How can we be there to the fullest for others if we aren't there for ourselves? I assure you , there IS enough time in the day, no matter what, to take care of you! If you are the most important person to you everyday when you wake up and every night when you go to sleep, you would be amazed at the transformation that takes place. Yes, in the beginning it takes effort to take care of yourself if your not used to it. Just do it one day at a time. Don't worry about any other day except the one that your in. Different things work for different people depending on your lifestyle, your personality, your work and the people in your life. It was a challenge for me at first because my children were small at the time that I had made the decision to be just as important as everyone else. I had plenty of excuses, but when it came down to it, I realized that making myself important and meeting my own needs and sometimes wants, my children will learn to do the same for themselves. They watch me love and respect myself and they will do the same. Maybe not right away, but I believe that it will eventually kick in. They too have their own story to create and it may not be the one I wrote for them, but that's okay. All I want for my children is for them to be happy. And remember, happiness is not a destination, happiness is a state of being that we can choose at any time. It is quite difficult to maintain at all times, as I have not yet achieved. Very far from it as a matter of fact. It has been beneficial to find good reading material about these topics so that I didn't feel like it was impossible or that I was the only one.
As humans, we have emotions and then we have the mind that tells us things that just aren't true. It's important to know the difference and it will come with time if the effort is made. It's crucial to feel our feelings. Not think about them, but feel them. Close your eyes when you are feeling something uncomfortable and visualize that place of pain in your body and just be with it. DO NOT think about it, just feel it. The thoughts carry us into a dark place. A place that isn't even real, but we can make it real by thinking about it, beating ourselves up over it and worrying about it. Then we are not capable of being loving to our loved ones and they don't deserve that and neither do you.
Acknowledge that those feelings exist, feel them and let them go. Your feelings will not kill you if you feel them. When we suppress our emotions they don't go away. We know this. What happens to them? They grow and grow and grow until every little thing bothers us and stresses us out. When we are in that place we are no fun to be around. Even if we think we're holding it together and hiding it, we're not! People sense this kind of stuff and it makes them uneasy. Especially children. Think about the last time you were around someone when something was bothering them. Could you tell?
Here is a list of things I do to bring myself to a place of peace, (as much as I can anyway) on a daily basis. I like to do some things right when I wake up so that I can be willingly available to whatever or whomever may need me throughout the day. I may need to take small pockets of time through the day to readjust. The escalator will move whether I'm on it or not.

• I write. Sometimes free writing, which is not thinking, just moving my pen on the page without stopping for a period of time. Sometimes I give myself three minutes, ten minutes, three pages, and so-on. This helps clear my mind of mischief. I also keep a journal.
• Meditation. Sometimes a walking meditation, sometimes sitting. Quietly, to music, in the bath with candles and incense, or a guided meditation tape helps me. There are many ways.
• Manicures and pedicures. If I can't afford to go to the salon, I take time for myself at home and everyone in the house knows it's my time and not to disturb me. (Unless of course it's an emergency).
• I take ten minute walks a couple of times a day. (There is always time for a ten minute walk!) Move!
• I drink plenty of water
• Yoga. Great for relaxing and getting in the moment. Not to mention, great for the body.
• I read inspirational writings wherever I can find them.
• Positive Affirmations. Yes, it felt silly at first, but I would write them to fit what I wanted for myself and it started to feel better. Turn the negative into positive.
  
• Visualization. I would visualize what I wanted my life to be and sometimes that makes me smile. Smiling heals. Visualizing is a powerful thing. If we put our emotions into it, we will notice positive change. After all, that is our goal.

Some of the authors and books I found helpful to my new found self:

• Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love
• Don Miguel Ruiz- The Four Agreements, The Mastery of Love
• Louise L. Hay - You Can Heal Your Life
• Iyanla Vanzant - Yesterday I cried, In the Meantime
• Oriah Mountain Dreamer - The Dance, The Invitation
• Paul Ferrini - Love Without Conditions, Dancing With The Beloved
• Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way

I could go on and on, but these are the ones that really carried me through some significant transformations in my life without going insane. I applied what I was learning in these readings to every situation I could. It was the only way to change my life. I learned that I had to change my thought process. Not an easy task, but obtainable with consistency. It's also amazing that when we are trying to make a positive change, how many opportunities life throws our way to be able to apply our new practices. Remember, practice makes perfect! (But not over night).;)

Acceptance

I have been reflecting on some recent behavior of mine and I have come to the conclusion that I am best suited to "do something" only if I want to. Not because I expect or hope for something in return. I have found it especially damaging to my self when I do something and expect the same in return (i.e., telling someone where I am going and when I'll be back and then actually be back at that time, if I am going to be late I call and let someone know, being where I say I will be when I say I will be there, etc...). I believe that these are all common courtesies, but not everyone believes that. The most important thing for me is to not take their actions personally.
I have also found it more peaceful and sane to say something once or ask for something once and then leave it alone! If the other person does not want to give what I have asked for then I need to accept that or move on; but it is never wise to ask again. They heard us the first time.
If we accept people just the way they are then we can accept ourselves just they way we are. We cannot change people. People will change if they want to and even then it is a difficult task.
If we do not like someones behavior, we don't have to have them in our lives. But to expect them to change to make us more comfortable is not a right that we reserve.
If you ask someone for something and they give it willingly and cheerfully, give thanks and appreciate it.
I am more comfortable being who I am when I allow others to be who they are.

My Harley & Me

That right there is my favorite thing to do, in front of my favorite place to be. Talk about EMPOWERING! When I get on my bike, I don't want to get off; EVER!
I learned how to ride about three years ago. The first summer was a pain in my ass. I was scared every time I got on. Keeping the big picture in mind gave me the motivation I needed and having a husband that rides is helpful too. At times, I would take the easy way out and just get on the back of his bike because I wanted to relax. Now, I can get on mine, because I want to relax. After I bought my motorcycle, a few of my girlfriends bought motorcycles and that was also a motivator. Knowing you have people to support and encourage you is a motivator when it comes to many things. Especially women. The women in my life are pretty great. I don't know what I would do without them. Thanks girls.