I get excited about something and feel adequate for the job. I can't wait to get started on my new found idea or project.
As the minutes go by, the nefarious side creeps out to play and wants to tell me what a terrible idea it is and that I couldn't possibly accomplish that. This side especially likes to come out and fuck with me when I lay my head on the pillow.
When it comes to myself, I am relentlessly beat up over the most mundane bullshit until I am a listless, wet noodle on the floor sniveling like a baby. Then the insidious little bastard will sit and smile, so pleased with himself at his handy work.
When making a decision to do something productive or something I enjoy, the ruffians comes out onto the battlefield with their arsenal of weapons. Yes, I relish the adrenaline rush that comes along with mischief, but I also enjoy the feeling of doing the right thing, especially the long lasting effect it has on my self-esteem. But I struggle...
All of the self analysis can get quite tiresome and tedious. I then resort to writing out what I am grateful for so I can pull myself from the dregs of this wretched place and the benevolent side tells me how capable and brilliant I am. That I am loved and cared about...It's all a bunch of pansy ass crap really, but this is what happens.
Overall, I'm pretty good at defeating the hooligans and their little antics. I have to allow them to chatter incessantly while I ignore their relentless trickery. I often find myself saying, "Thanks for the offer guys, sounds like fun, but I really have to get this done," or "Yes, I'd like to tell him what a fuckin' loser he is and that he's a miserable little man, but then I'd be wrong too and I am NOT going to have to apologize to that fucker later," or "Thanks for all your criticism but I think I'll like myself today." If I don't play back, they try harder but it subsides eventually. After all, you can't play without a playmate, right?
I once had a dear friend named "Gary" who told me he used to spend his whole day in a sort of mental boxing ring, punching and punching and punching.
ReplyDeleteAnd then one day, the mental camera pulled back -- and he was all alone in the ring.
I never forgot that.
Ain't that the truth. I love those little nibblettes of profound wisdom.
ReplyDeleteFor me the demons come out especially hard this time of year. January and February are two of the worst months for me and a lot of people I know. I'm glad you're defeating those hooligans and hope they disappear when spring is sprung. Hang in there and laugh when you can. It helps.
ReplyDeleteI think we have the same imps!
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